More bad news I’m afraid, so this entry will be a bit shorter than usual. The MRI showed up more than the two spots the CT scan had picked up on. Although everything is very small, the sneaky disease has reached all corners of my brain and therefore the less invasive gamma-knife treatment is off the cards. Instead my whole brain will need to be zapped with radiotherapy.
I will lose my hair again and the side effects of nausea and headaches could last for weeks. I am becoming the visible cancer patient once again and I can’t stand it.
It’s difficult to express all that I am feeling at the moment. I’m angry that this could be happening, I feel utterly terrified that the cancer has the upper hand and I fear we may not ever get on top of it.
The last twenty-four hours have left me, for the first time, asking if the treatment is worth it? Is this a battle that I am written to lose?
This is all early days so I am hoping that in a few weeks time I can pick myself up off the floor and rebuild my emotional strength and courage to be the person I want to be for this latest fight. I know it’s in me somewhere but at the moment I keep asking how it’s possible for such a load of shit to continually be thrown my way.
I’m sorry I haven’t had chance to reply to all your comments but believe me when I say I’ve read every one and they all have helped me. Your words of encouragement, prayers and best wishes are the outstretched hands that can pull me up from the collapsed heap I am currently mentally lying in on the floor.
For those who know me personally and who have texted Tom to offer him your kind words please know I am so grateful. He is supporting me like no one and for you to let him know you are thinking of him, makes this part of the journey so much easier on me.
I will get there, this is just a huge blow and I need to work on bracing myself for the next load of treatment – if I’m off the blog for a while you’ll know it’s because I’m not feeling so well.
And if any of you happen to be wandering around with a cure for cancer in your back pocket please feel free to call your local GP, MP or hospital – this shit is getting heavy and this girl needs a break.