The safety of routine

For the moment I’m wrapped in a safety blanket of routine and because this chemo is a fairly easy one I’m able to go about my life pretty normally, something I am very grateful for. The Gemcitabine and Carboplatin are administered intravenously at the same time and for the next few days I’ll sleep like a sloth but the sickness is kept under control by the drugs and the next two weeks are mine. I’m supposed to have a second dose of just Gemcitabine a week after the first infusion but both times my platelets have been too low so it has been missed.

The red mark on my chest is changing but the lump in my breast seems to be the same size so I am at a loss as to whether this stuff is working. Women who’ve had the treatment have told me that it is very effective and maybe it’s too early for me to call but the huge fear that it’s not working tugs at my safety blanket daily.

The wedding is drawing closer, now less than eight weeks away! I always felt I would make this date, despite what my previous doctors told me, but I can’t escape the fear of ‘what ifs.’ The diagnosis of brain mets and the two stays in hospital early in the year really rammed home how fragile my situation is. There aren’t many options left when it comes to chemo and I need to be in good shape if a trial were to come up again.

Sometimes it doesn’t feel real; how could all of this have happened to me? How did I come to be in such an unlucky situation? I don’t feel bitterness towards others, for what they have, but I can’t help but look around in restaurants and on the Tube and see healthy people with their whole lives ahead of them. I can honestly say I wouldn’t want anyone else’s life but I do envy their health.

On our way back from a house viewing the other day I had to tell Tom that something had been nagging at me whilst we noseyed around other people’s homes. I was scared that we would find a new place, move in and then if I died he would be stuck in a three-bedroom house on his own. He reminded me, and I know he’s right, that we can’t live our lives like that. If we’d believed the stats we wouldn’t be having a wedding in two months time; if you let the cancer take over completely then you’re letting it win before you die.

I never contemplated death before my cancer diagnosis. I don’t think anyone truly expects to die. It’s a universal truth that we’ll all pop our clogs but it’s in the future so there’s no need to think about it and we’re all so busy living our lives there’s no time for it anyway. But when you’re told you have months not years, when lumps and bumps of cancer are popping up all over your body, when the extent of your ambitions is to get out of the flat to meet a friend for lunch, you can’t help but ponder what a world without you in it would be like.

I’m not sure anyone is ready to die, certainly not in their twenties. Even my 89-year-old neighbour who lives alone and has no family says, “I’m not ready to go yet!” I’m torn between hoping for what many medical professionals will tell you is the impossible and accepting that I might not see my 30th birthday.

There are periods of escape from ‘the fear.’ Having felt quite well on this chemo I’ve spent lots of enriching times with Tom and my wonderful friends. Momentarily it is possible to forget; sharing some salacious gossip or laughing so much your stomach hurts. Then on the Tube journey home you feel a twitch of pain in your head and you assume the worst; it’s a tumour, it’s happening again, I’m going to die.

I’ve never suffered trauma like this in my life. I’ve been lucky; a stable upbringing, no deaths of people who were very close to me, no tragedies. I think this is why going through cancer has altered the way I look at the world so dramatically. My friend Matt said that of all the people he knows I was the one who least needed life lessons but that’s not how it works. Cancer is arbitrary – there’s no reason behind it, I was just unlucky.

The great thing about the routine I’ve been able to have over the last couple of months is that it’s afforded me the chance to sort the wedding out. I’m so excited to have family and friends all under one roof. My hair is coming back but if it’s not quite the length I’d like then Miffy’s locks will be adorning my head on the big day – I just need someone to colour the wig (if anyone knows anyone who does this please drop me a line). I’ll be taking a short break from chemo so I feel the best I can on the day and most of all I can’t wait to marry the man who gives me the strength and support I need to get through this.

Cancer is a shitter, there’s no doubt about it, but there are ways to make your life work with it. It’s not easy but for the moment I feel lucky to have the security of routine and the ability to hold on to hope.

P.S Congratulations to Matthew who completed the Brighton marathon on Sunday, all in aid of Cancer Research. I can’t express how proud I am of you Matt. You’re a star.

Matt still managing a smile at 26.2 miles

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170 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Marianna
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 09:13:49

    Ellie you are right on track….I agree with so much of what you say and also with Tom’s philosophy. All of us are looking forward so much to your wedding day…..carry on Ellie.
    Marianna xx

    Reply

  2. Davina Bidart
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 09:16:54

    Hi Ellie,
    Just a quick message from down under just letting you know we are thinking of you and can’t wait to see your wedding photos. You will be a beautiful bride.
    Love from
    The Bidart Family

    Reply

  3. Patricia Springbett
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 09:28:43

    Ellie life is so unfair. I used to look at people around me and wonder why there are those who make no contribution to society, are living on benefits, and who drink, smoke and eat garbage, can carry on living to a ripe old age, whilst there are people like you and my daughter who are suffering with this horrible disease before the age of 30. In the grand scheme of things it isn’t right. Just look forward to your wedding and it will keep you going; you have so much to live for and are surrounded by love and support. There are thousands of people behind you, willing you on!!!
    Lots of love and a big hug
    Patricia XXXXXXXXXXXX

    Reply

  4. Hellevi
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 09:52:24

    Dearest Ellie,
    i’ve been thinking of you lately and I was so happy to see you had posted today. Your posts have had a great impact on me and my world of thoughts. You’re such a wonderful being and I pray you will not be taken away from us any time soon! Hang in there! So looking forward to your wedding photos! With all my love, Hellevi xxxxxx

    Reply

  5. Sharon B
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 09:54:37

    Hi Ellie,

    So happy to hear this chemo is a touch gentler on your system. Let’s all hope it’s being really tough on the cancer cells.

    Less than eight weeks to the wedding, you will be so busy with all the preparations that the time will fly by. Looking forward to seeing all the beautiful photos just as every other supporter in your life is doing. Keep on keeping on Ellie dear.

    Reply

  6. Helen Foulds
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 10:03:45

    Ellie,
    As always your comments are honest and thought provoking. I’m with Tom, keep going and enjoying the times ahead – your wedding day will be fabulous, I for one cannot wait to see the photos. And well done Matthew for completing the marathon!

    Reply

  7. Ann
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 10:06:58

    Dear Ellie, just read the latest and I wish you all the luck in the world. One thing that comes to me every time I read about you is the strength of love from Tom and your family – some people go their whole lives without being loved, cuddled, thought of – hold on to that love as it will keep you here. I do believe that when our time’s up, its up and no-one, no medication can help. We could just walk out the door one day and trip, fall, get run over, and our lives are gone – I believe our life is in someone’s hands somewhere (up there?). So, you have learned to live each day like its your last and love those around you with gusto! You WILL make your wedding, DON’T let CA get in the way and I sincerely hope its the most precious day you have so far! God bless, keep laughing, keep salacious chats going and hold the love. Ann x

    Reply

  8. Sally CHESSON
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 11:19:11

    DEar Ellie
    Each time I come to your blog I send out a thousand good vibes to you.I have never met you but feel that I know you from your graphic messages that I can read & treasure. I am sitting in the sunshine in Crete (a holiday) & wishing you many wonderful moments as you prepare for your wedding.
    Our admiration for you is great and not forgetting Tom.
    With love and sunshine to you both.
    Sally x x

    Reply

  9. APM
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 11:54:45

    Hi Ellie

    Bloomsbury of London on Northington Street appear to be experts in styling wigs – perhaps they’ll be able to help with getting yours dyed for the big day? Best wishes for the wedding!

    xxx

    Reply

  10. Bernie Costello
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 12:00:32

    Morning Ellie,
    We’ve never met, but I’ve been reading your blog for the last few months and this time, I decided to leave a reply. I work in a hectic environment with demands being made all the time. BUT, as soon as your blog pops into my inbox, I stop everything I’m doing and just have to get rid of everyone and read it a couple of times, and then I allow your words to transport me into your world. You’re writing is so sincere and beautiful, even with a subject so daunting and shocking. I have to stop and think about so many things in life and try to imagine how so much of what you see has changed.
    It’s not out of sympathy for you and Tom that I write, but out of true admiration and respect. I’m so excited for you and Tom with the wedding and new house. And look forward to hearing all about it. It will be an event of celebration. Please keep your blogs coming. They are incredible and inspiring.
    With respect, and warm wishes
    Bernie Costello

    Reply

  11. sandra
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 12:43:28

    You never cease to amaze me, you are getting married, your hair is growing, your looking for a house, take the moment enjoy it we all have father time on our shoulders take each day as it comes like the song says one day at a time sweet jesus thinking of you always, hope the sun shines for you soon xxxx

    Reply

  12. Laura S
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 12:57:18

    How exciting that the wedding is so close. I can’t wait to see the photos – what a stunning couple you make.
    I think all the uncertainty and worry is completely normal. If this doesn’t make you question things then what will? You’re amazing for the way you are handling this and I know we’ll all be thinking about you as you walk down the ailse.

    Reply

  13. Jennieflorist
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 12:58:26

    Hi Ellie

    This latest post has really touched me, I startred reading your blog way back last year, practically when you first started it, so to see how far you have come and how your spirit has never faulted really does bring a tear to my eye, to think you are only 8 weeks away from your big day! Life changing illness could happen to anyone of us or someone we love at any time, no one knows the future,I only hope that I would have the same courage and determination that you have, and more than that, you have shown us all how you can control your own mind and body and defy the specialists. You are amazing, I mean this from the bottom of my heart I hope your wedding day is everything you dreamed it would be! Like everyone else cant wait to see the pics, (especially the flowers!)

    Love Jennie.xxxx

    Reply

  14. makemeadiva
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 14:13:47

    I have a friend, like you a beautiful, inspirational woman. And ain’t that just the worst of it? Being so inspirational to others when you feel like shit yourself! Anyway, this friend, well she had breast cancer some years ago and it came back in the bones last year. She wasn’t given a lot of hope from the medics. She has her own way of doing things and that shows in the light and love that radiates from her face and being. This year the phone rang as she was walking past it. As it’s her home phone, she picked it up. It was a doctor from the hospital ringing ‘to enquire’ hesitantly about Mrs Y…

    ‘Oh yes – I’m still here’ she replied and hung up. Since then she’s celebrated her 50th birthday and been disco dancing at a school reunion party. Her youngest son, aged 7, has his mum around. No-one can take her health for granted, but we all know she will be here as long as she can, as will we all.

    I don’t really pray Ellie, but I send love and best wishes with good intent, and when I do that for her, I do it for you too. Thank you for you, and thank you for sharing. I think half the blogosphere is looking forward to your wedding – enjoy it! x

    Reply

  15. alanchar1978
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 14:22:56

    Hi Ellie,
    As I have said before I dont know you, but reading your blog inspires me and im pretty positive you will leave a big hole in the world that no one will fill. Keep fighting and I hope the wedding day is all you have ever dreamed of, I dont have the skills for colouring hair as im a geek but I can build you a website to celebrate the day or perhaps set up a dropbox account that all your friends and family could have access to so they can all add there photos of the day so you can see everyones perspective and all the photos taken.
    Alan x

    Reply

  16. makemeadiva
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 14:39:29

    Oops, I forgot to say that my friend gives hemp oil much credit.

    Reply

  17. Chloe Greene
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 14:49:12

    You are a special woman Ellie and Tom is a special man.
    You are both teaching all of us who read your blog life’s lessons, so thank you.
    Am sending you love, light and my heart-felt respect.
    And you will be such a beautiful bride. xx

    Reply

  18. claire leng
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 15:25:13

    Hi Ellie
    So pleased to hear that the chemo is not causing you to much bother at the moment, you really do deserve a break from all of this. Cant begin to tell you how much you have helped me through my own cancer journey through your amazing blog, your words and the way you write astound me every time, i almost feel like it could be me writing cos i can really relate to everything you say, so thank. You have so much to look forward to with your wedding, it will be magical! Looking forward to reading all about it.
    Sending you much love and healthy glowing light xx

    Reply

  19. Linda Ann McCrea
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 15:47:43

    Dear Ellie
    As always,your wonderful blog is so refreshingly honest . You write with such pellucid expression.
    Staying strong is hard work as is staying positive, so the down blips and emotional lows are surely salutory lessons to us all.
    As Jennie, the florist aptly stated:-
    tomorrow is a mystery and really promised to no one.
    I cannot give you life lessons, nor should any of us.
    However, I hope your blog pals can stay with you in heart spirit and prayer to bolster you and Tom up when you most need it . Honestly I pray for a really wonderful marriage as well as along and enduring one for Tom & you .May God grant this to you both .

    I hope your anticoagulant regime is not too taxing as well as chemo .People keep reminding you in this blog about hemp oil .Am vaguely aware it is not licensed or legal here in UK, but Canadian sites may sell it .
    Maybe Worth a good try ?You and Prof Hope know best
    Love hugs prayers always from Belfast NI

    Reply

  20. Natalie McDonald
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 16:33:41

    Can’t believe its 8 weeks till your wedding,you will be a beautiful bride & Tom a handsome groom.I wish you both continuing health & happiness,

    Reply

  21. alison68
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 17:23:51

    Hi Hun, hope you are standing up to the stress of the wedding.
    i have one more chemo in three weeks then a break before surgery. Hubby and I are going away for two days if I’m fit enough.

    Reply

  22. Clare
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 17:38:20

    Hi Ellie

    It’s good to hear that the treatment is allowing you to lead a normal life. On the hair front, if the wig is real hair then a hair dresser will be able to dye it for you as all real hair wigs are bleached then dyed.

    I’ve recently had a hair system fitted. This is basically real hair attached to a lace moulding of your skull. It is then affixed with medical glue . You then can wash it, swim in it, style it or stick it in a pony just like normal hair. It’s so light compared to wigs. If you want more info, let me know.

    Clare xxx

    Reply

  23. Ebonyexcite
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 22:05:12

    hey ellie,

    good to hear from you! you re in my thoughts always…stay strong beautiful one! stay strong…You are loved!

    Reply

  24. Briony
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 22:05:17

    Yay, go you!!! You WILL make it, and you will be this most beautiful bride ever for it xxx rootin so much for you- incidentally, what’s after the wedding to look forward to? When is your 30th? Keep those goals, Make them, and live them xx sending you strength. X

    Reply

  25. Ann from Chicago
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 22:45:26

    Hi Ellie,
    I just came across this today, please listen to the entire short video on how aspirin may help prevent metastatic spreading of cancer: I want you to kick this thing and you never know how even little things done may help. Remember, aspirin thins the blood so check with your doctor first. .http://www.myfoxtampabay.com/dpp/health/doctor_jo/study-says-aspirin-can-cut-cancer-risks-03212012

    Reply

  26. Joan Zia
    Apr 17, 2012 @ 23:28:13

    Hello! You are the bravest girl, you are beautiful and you are loved by so many people. But NO, life is not fair,its unbelievable…… But you WILL get married, be “Mrs” and ……”bobs your uncle!”
    Lots of love and prayers.
    God bless you – from Joan xxxxxx

    Reply

  27. Cindy
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 01:45:53

    Dear Ellie, You are simply amazing! Thinking of you often and praying for you. 8 more weeks until your wedding…so much to do! xoxo Cindy

    Reply

  28. Cherith
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 15:15:56

    Dear Ellie

    You have never met me before but I have been following your blog since I read your story, I think it was on the Daily Mail. I’m not much younger than you and am recently married so your story has touched me. You spoke of being ‘ready to die’ in this post and I just wanted to share with you that having trusted Christ as my Saviour I am ‘ready to die’ in the sense that I know that my sins are forgiven and when I die I will be in heaven for all eternity. I am not pretending to understand the many feelings you go through on a daily basis but I would just like to leave this verse from the Bible with you.

    For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

    Praying for you.

    Cherith

    Reply

  29. Teresa
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 15:17:21

    Ellie, I am so excited for your wedding !! , counting down the weeks with you !! Only those who have had cancer can recognize that “fear blanket” that descends on you every know and again, it’s black, suffocating , all-encompassing and it tries to smother you ! Just when you think you have taken your last breath, you manage to find an air-hole, breathe and the fear melts away again….it’s vile !
    But we get through with the love and support of family and friends!
    Keep going sweetheart, …you CAN do it !!
    Love Teresa xx

    Reply

  30. kerry
    Apr 18, 2012 @ 19:30:28

    Eliie, I am so happy for you that you have come through these months of hell and that you are here, and planning your wedding and looking for a new home to start your married life with Tom. These are the joys that you should be sharing now with Tom, these are the important things in your life today. Our lives can be taken from us at any moment, and you are living yours, every minute, with nothing wasted, nothing taken for granted. Love and happiness are yours today Ellie.xxx

    Reply

  31. Amanda Power
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 06:56:01

    Oh Ellie x x

    Reply

  32. Rosie Butler
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 08:57:46

    Dear Ellie

    so glad to hear that the flow is with you at the moment …

    nobody likes to hear phrases like “cancer is a great teacher” …. it’s such an oxymoron. Who wants to learn through such pain and suffering anyway

    Our daughter who is 17 now taught our family a great deal about cancer. from a very young age, she was so very ill for such a long time, and she endured so much from the medical interventions that she needed. It humbles us today when she says that her cancer has brought her good things too…. things that she would not otherwise have experienced.

    The smart money always lies on hope, the hope that you will feel a little better soon, that you can have that treat you promised youself, that life will become normal again – whatever that means – short horizons and small victories became her stepping stones. Like you she had a talented and insightful medical team around her and an army of unkowns who walked with her to this day.

    May your wedding be as bright, as magical and as memorable as you dream it to be.

    So, dear Ellie, Dream On, Dream Big and Dream in full glorious technicolour

    fairy hugs

    Rosie Butler

    Reply

  33. Betty Harris
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 11:38:08

    Ellie, You are absolutely an amazing young lady, who I am positive will have given, and continue to give hope and inspiration to everyone who reads your blogs.
    Betty Harris (Bydales School)

    Reply

  34. Carol
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 12:02:29

    Hi Ellie i was wondering where you were…then you popped thank goodness! I understand you looking at healthy people and feeling as you do….Not long to your wedding now! I’m really looking forward to seeing your photos..your a very beautiful lady and will be even more so on the day..your bravery will come ‘shining’ through….
    YOU are even more special to me…i was reading your two page article in the Mail in November…when i suddenly felt a pain in my breast and a red hot itch…i just thought it was ..until i found the lump…it has taken a long time to get to my first chemo..this week on my birthday the 17th..what a bummer that was…..Metaplastic….too!
    Chin up darling girl xxx….i’m looking forward to your next comments….and your treatments

    Reply

  35. mjdompierre
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 16:47:19

    Now I am in the funny situation to envy YOU – the extreme happiness you are going to feel all day at your wedding…the excitement to prepare…how Tom is going to look at you when he sees you first time in your dress…the knowledge that you are marrying the man who loves you so much and you love him! I remember how it felt at my wedding and it was so crazy, crazy amazing.
    You are going to be the happiest woman in the world and the most beautiful one as well!! The best is about to come, not already gone!

    Reply

  36. Danielle
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 19:38:59

    Hi Ellie,
    My name is Danielle and I have read your blog since the beginning. I do not have cancer, but I wanted to let you know that your strength and hope have inspired me to look at the world through your eyes; to appreciate the sunny days, to laugh at funny jokes, to believe in miracles, to hold my family close and not to take life for granted. I want you to know that I believe in YOU and I hope that your journey brings you the hapiness that you so richly deserve. Sending you positive energy from California……Danielle

    Reply

  37. Stacey
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 20:56:59

    I know exactly how you feel about looking around at people living their normal lives whilst you battle this. You are not alone. Our beautiful daughter, aged 12 lost her life a year ago, I felt all your emotions, i was angry that she had to go through this at her age while other children were worrying cause they hadn’t been picked for the netball team!! She was brave and had three Hickman lines, two pick lines and all the rest but I would happily be back there fighting this illness than here now a year on without her. Please please keep fighting you still have hope – and that is PRECIOUS.
    I’ve been following your news and wishing you well every day. Ive seen miracles happen to kids in the Marsden – you can do it too. Please kick cancers butt! Bless you and your family – Stacey xxx

    Reply

  38. ladyleftfieldlover
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 22:17:22

    Good to read your blog and pleased you are so upbeat. Before you know it there’ll be cake, flowers, fabulous dress (oh, yes the dress – I don’t think you’ve mentioned it!), Tom, and a wonderful day. Can’t wait to see those photos!

    Reply

  39. Gary
    Apr 19, 2012 @ 23:54:01

    Wishing you health and happiness Ellie, love Gary

    Reply

  40. Ann from Chicago
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 16:32:58

    Hi Ellie,
    This article was in today’s Daily Mail citing from The Lancet about how researchers at Oxford University found a cancer-fighting compound in Aspirin. Sorry to bother you, but I wanted you to see this too. Perhaps part of beating cancer is lowering inflammation in the body and keeping it low. All best wishes to you!

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2132474/Aspirin-really-life-saver-Wonder-drug-powerful-tool-battle-cancer.html

    Reply

  41. maria
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 18:31:19

    I am very happy to hear that your wedding is coming up so soon. Wishing you the best for your big day. I also hope you will find a new home that you both like. The size of your new home shouldn’t worry you. The size is just about the place. You might want to focus on the homey feeling that the place projects. How do you pick a place that you think would make a great home? Just settle in and make it a true home. What a good project it will be right after the wedding to look forward to!

    The superb clear-headed way you keep writing about your illness is truly amazing. I couldn’t believe that your blog was about cancer if the very word wouldn’t pop up in it from time to time. Your writing is brilliant. Ever since I’ve been reading you I’ve been convinced that that’s about you writing off this scary illness not the other way around. It makes me so happy it works. I don’t know you, but I’ve been pulling for you.

    Maria, Hungary

    Reply

  42. Helen
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 19:07:46

    Hi Ellie
    Catching up with your blog again today, and really glad that this chemo is easier to cope with; doesn’t mean it isn’t working just as hard though!
    Wow, less than 8 weeks to the wedding… very exciting!! So looking forward to seeing the pics of you and Tom, that’s going to be just so very special.
    Love and hugs
    Helen
    xxxx

    Reply

  43. Sinead Allen
    Apr 20, 2012 @ 21:12:52

    Your blog is amazing as are you. I’ve been reading for a while and I’ll be passing onto one of my Best Friends who is currently undergoing Chemo for Lymphoma. I can’t begin to tell you how many wishes & crossed fingers I’m sending to you.

    Have a stunning wedding. I’m approaching my first anniversary and it was truly the most magical day of my life. I’m sure yours will be the same and I can’t wait to see the pictures.

    Lots of Love & Luck to you, Tom and all your wonderful friends and family xxxxx

    Reply

  44. Connie, Brisbane
    Apr 21, 2012 @ 12:42:46

    Thinking of you often Ellie and continue to marvel at your ability to be so positive – I clearly was not in the queue when that skill was handed out. Its a great strength you have though you may not always feel it. I am truely humbled because I know that I would not have such strength faced with your situation. You are a pretty amazing girl – keep living well Ellie – your words help so many people in so many ways and I hope in return all the words on your site from well wishers everywhere do something to buoy you when things are rough……

    Reply

  45. C.
    Apr 22, 2012 @ 21:22:03

    Ellie, from what you say I think we’re getting married on the same day (or at least the same week). I’ll be thinking of you that morning. I hope it’s everything you wish for, and a day full of really happy memories for you both. And please post some pictures!

    Reply

  46. Jan
    Apr 23, 2012 @ 08:50:18

    Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts , have had a few ‘life changing ‘ problems myself, but reading your blogs help me realise no matter how bad things get , the ability to laugh and love keep us going .x

    Reply

  47. Philippa
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 01:54:24

    It does sound like the chemo is doing something, I desperately hope it works well for you!

    Exciting that your wedding is drawing closer, I can’t wait to hear about it and see photos.

    You’re right that a diagnosis of cancer – or a diagnosis of a loved one of cancer, or any other life-threatening condition – can really revolutionise the way you think about life. I try to make the most of my life because ANYONE, including myself, could be dealt life-changing news or lose their life in an instant. We are all so vulnerable but I guess the most functional way to deal with that is to be in complete denial about it, for many people!

    Reply

  48. Elisa
    Apr 25, 2012 @ 17:05:42

    Ellie…I know you can’t say much here but…what about the wedding dress? white? any other detail…please…pretty please :))

    Reply

  49. lorly
    Apr 26, 2012 @ 07:46:54

    Ellie, I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts often, and like everyone else, I send good wishes and positive vibes your way, your inner strength is incredible and will see you through this, you will have an amazing wedding day and have so much exciting stuff to look forward to that I have no doubt you are kicking this cancer right into touch,
    I don’t post often, but am always checking to see the brilliant stuff you have written and always feel humbled by you and your fantastic strength and ability to communicate to so many people,
    here is to a fantastic wedding day (raises a glass of Champagne!) and brilliant life with Tom,
    Lorly xx

    Reply

    • Sally CHESSON
      Apr 26, 2012 @ 10:28:33

      Ellie,
      Thinking of you even more as your very special day is coming closer.
      You are often in my thoughts. I would like to make a special request to you. Although I understand you do not want to give any details, please could you give me the time of your wedding. I always ask friends this for their special occasion so that they can be completely in my thoughts for their special day/ time.
      Love from my family and myself.
      Sally C x

      Reply

  50. ellie
    Apr 26, 2012 @ 17:25:46

    you go girl….you are doing good you are doing great so do not be scared we are all scared that cancer will return Get married live your life can’t wait to see your wedding photos. You are not unlucky you are so lucky….

    Reply

  51. mogonamountain
    Apr 28, 2012 @ 13:54:03

    Hi Ellie,
    I hope you’re doing well, and managing to enjoy the run up to the wedding. Can’t believe it’s so close now. Fantastic!
    Sending you much love, happy, healthy vibes and best wishes to you both. x

    Reply

  52. Catherine
    Apr 29, 2012 @ 15:40:18

    You are supercalafradulisticexpealidocious! You really are xxx

    Reply

  53. Maria
    May 04, 2012 @ 06:19:23

    I’ve found this article you might be interested in:

    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17905601

    Keep up the good fight.

    Reply

  54. Karen
    May 05, 2012 @ 18:54:11

    Hi Ellie, My husband and I always read your blog and we just want to let you know that you’re always in our thoughts and we hope and pray you are well and enjoying all your wedding planning. Lots of love xxx :)

    Reply

  55. Michaela
    May 05, 2012 @ 19:24:12

    Hey there, hope you are coping OK. I just thought I’d let you know that against the odds & much to the surprise of my oncologist, since I began the mistletoe my lung mets have begun shrinking, some have even disappeared :-) I am also on complete hormone blockade which may well be helping, but given the response of my consultant I am assuming it doesn’t usually have such a dramatic effect. You can have chemo and mistletoe alongside one another so there’s another option for you to consider.
    Stay strong and I hope the wedding plans are going well.
    Much love
    Michaela

    Reply

  56. Rebecca
    May 07, 2012 @ 21:59:15

    Thinking of you Ellie xx

    Reply

  57. Amanda
    May 07, 2012 @ 22:51:53

    Would love to hear from you Ellie. Xxxx. Hope all is well.

    Reply

  58. Jackie
    May 08, 2012 @ 10:21:57

    As a fellow advanced breast cancer sufferer, you are a true inspiration Ellie. I hope the wedding plans are going well and can’t wait to see some of the pictures and hear all about it. My thoughts are with you xx

    Reply

  59. Michelle
    May 08, 2012 @ 22:44:18

    Thinking of you! Praying for you! Wishing you joy and blessings!

    Reply

  60. Amanda Kinghorn
    May 09, 2012 @ 22:48:06

    Hi Ellie, thinking of you and praying you strength in these days. Also, hope the sun shines on your wedding day next month. Can’ wait to see your pictures. X

    Reply

  61. Nessy
    May 11, 2012 @ 08:45:31

    I hope you are ok and that you are very busy with the weddingplans. I think of you <3

    Reply

  62. Nessy
    May 11, 2012 @ 08:46:58

    I hope you are ok and that you are busy with the wedding plans. I think of you <3 and sending you many good wishes

    Reply

  63. Digby
    May 11, 2012 @ 10:30:37

    Best wishes Ellie, thinking of you and hope you are doing ok.

    Reply

  64. Helen
    May 11, 2012 @ 14:20:16

    You are such an inspiring person Ellie. I wish you good health and happiness for the future x

    Reply

  65. Amanda Power
    May 11, 2012 @ 19:29:39

    Ellie – do let us know that you are doing okay. Miss reading your wonderful blog but realise you need to guard your strenght. Sending love and protea’s.

    Amanda, South Africa

    Reply

  66. Wendy
    May 12, 2012 @ 01:25:08

    Like everyone who has left a similar comment here, I am hoping you are doing OK. I read your blog regularly and admire your spirit and strength.

    Wendy

    Reply

  67. Connie, Brisbane
    May 12, 2012 @ 12:12:48

    Ellie….concerned not to hear from you for a while – hope all is ok and its the wedding plans currently taking over your life…..do tell us that you are in a good space.

    Reply

  68. Kay Southgate
    May 13, 2012 @ 14:47:19

    Hey Ellie,

    I was very good friends with your big sis at school and remember you as being little. I’ve been following your blog for ages since another ex-Bydales girl alerted me to it. I can’t believe how strong and upbeat you are. A spine of steel and a heart of gold. I have been waiting and waiting for another update and am hoping against hope you are ok. I’m not religious so am not going to lie and say I’m praying for you, but by golly girly, I AM sending positive vibes for ya!!!!!
    “keep your head up and shoulders back, beautiful” was the best piece of advice anyone ever gave me …. I guess it’s for when you can’t change the fact, but you can sure as hell look gorgeous while you deal with it. :)

    Reply

  69. Natalie McDonald
    May 14, 2012 @ 12:48:23

    Thinking of you

    Reply

  70. Kerys,
    May 14, 2012 @ 15:21:59

    Hope everything’s okay. We miss your updates – always thought provoking and beautifully written.

    Reply

  71. Kerys
    May 15, 2012 @ 11:15:28

    Hope you’re okay. We miss your thoughtful and beautifully written posts.

    Reply

  72. Margaret
    May 15, 2012 @ 19:36:12

    Ellie,thinking of you and sending lots of love,hope you are able to write a message on your blog soon. Not long till the wedding now ,stay strong.xx

    Reply

  73. Amanda Kinghorn
    May 15, 2012 @ 21:39:58

    Hi Ellie, you are in my thoughts and prayers – wishing you strength. You are such an inspiration. So much love xxx

    Reply

  74. Anouchka
    May 16, 2012 @ 13:32:57

    Thinking of you, I really hope you are okay. xxx

    Reply

  75. MK
    May 16, 2012 @ 15:30:42

    Hi Ellie, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers xx

    Reply

  76. surferking
    May 16, 2012 @ 21:51:25

    Hello Ellie,

    You write and share your thoughts so beautifully it is very humbling and generous of you to share so much.

    I’m a complete believer that good people live forever with their loved ones and I’m sure you do and will in many ways. I hope you have a great wedding, birthday and long happy and health life with your lucky man. You already have so much life and love banked by the sounds of it and I hope life has many more memories and moments to treasure for you and your family.

    I know it’s not the aim here but please do share a link if there’s a place to make donations to research or any requests in your name.

    All the best and carpe diem,

    Marcus

    Reply

  77. Amanda Power
    May 17, 2012 @ 06:55:20

    Thanks Sandra – never attempted twitter before but will be great to be able to check on Ellie that way too, so here we go! Ha ha x

    Reply

  78. Nessy
    May 17, 2012 @ 07:40:53

    Hope you’re okay. We miss you

    Reply

  79. Nessy
    May 17, 2012 @ 07:41:54

    Hope you’re okay. We miss you
    Greatings from the Netherlands

    Reply

  80. Lauren
    May 17, 2012 @ 10:45:52

    Ellie,

    Thinking of you and I hope everything is ok.

    Reply

  81. Becki
    May 17, 2012 @ 17:02:15

    Ellie – we havent hear from you in a while. I am thinking of you as we all are and sending hugs and kisses your way. Keep on being so brave and strong xx

    Reply

  82. kate
    May 17, 2012 @ 20:42:58

    Thinking of you and sending you love and strength. x x

    Reply

  83. Jane
    May 18, 2012 @ 10:18:41

    Dear Ellie,
    I’m another stranger who’s been following your blog since reading your story in the Mail, hoping you’re ok. I’m thinking of you so much and sending loads of positive thoughts your way. My mum has secondary breast cancer and your blog has helped, inspired and enlightened me in so many ways. You’re amazing and should be so proud of all you’ve achieved xxxxx

    Reply

  84. George_Berridge
    May 18, 2012 @ 11:28:57

    Not sure if anyone has heard yet but Ellie tragically passed away yesterday.
    She fought against this horrible disease for a long time and left hundreds of people inspired by her writing.
    It’s a huge loss to everyone whose lives she affected with her amazing story and her incredible courage in living with the disease and helping many others to live better lives in the process.
    RIP Elly.

    Reply

  85. Sarah
    May 18, 2012 @ 11:59:54

    Oh Ellie, I am so so sorry to hear the news. You were an amazing, inspirational woman and you have helped so many people, including myself. Although I have never met you, I feel like I have lost a friend. xxx

    Reply

  86. Karen Rogerson
    May 18, 2012 @ 12:05:39

    Rest in Peace…. beautiful, inspirational Ellie! Hugs to all the family and loved ones.

    Reply

  87. Anouchka
    May 18, 2012 @ 12:32:54

    I feel so sad. So close to your wedding….
    I have never met you, but I will always remember you.
    Thank you for this blog and for helping so many people with this terrible disease. Now you can rest in peace. All my deep condolences to your family and friends. xxx…. .

    Reply

  88. Ness
    May 18, 2012 @ 12:33:14

    God bless you Ellie-what a lady and a complete inspiration .Comfort and strength will come from your words.You reached more people than most do in a lifetime x Tom all my prayers will be for you and Ellies family and friends.

    Reply

  89. Paul Mc
    May 18, 2012 @ 12:55:26

    So sorry to hear the news. Her friends and family must be heart broken, but at the same time very proud of the way she fought her battle.

    Reply

  90. Cheryl Hanrahan
    May 18, 2012 @ 13:07:56

    I’ve been reading Ellies blog since last year. I too had hoped her lack of update was due to wedding plans keeping her busy. Lots of love being sent to Tom and all of Ellies family and everyone else who loved her.

    Sleep well Ellie. Rest in peace sweetheart xx

    Reply

  91. Millie
    May 18, 2012 @ 13:13:56

    Another someone who never met Ellie, but followed her story of bravery and strength. I feel just so terribly, terribly sad today for everyone who knew her, and especially Tom. Your loss is immeasurable and I am just so, so desperately sorry. An awful loss of a beautiful, funny, one-of-a-kind woman. She will be remembered by so many, even those she didn’t meet – not many have that for a legacy. This weekend I will raise a glass to Ellie; and to true love, which – wedding or no wedding – cannot be stolen, lost, or taken.

    Reply

  92. kate
    May 18, 2012 @ 13:27:57

    So so sad to hear the news of beautiful Ellie, she was a truly amazing woman. My heart goes out to Tom, her family and friends at this sad time.Ellie may you rest in peace. x x

    Reply

  93. Laura
    May 18, 2012 @ 13:28:26

    Ellie, I have been reading your blog since my boyfriend’s mother passed away from cancer last summer and I have always found your words a true source of comfort and inspiration. The way you fought so gallantly until the bitter end to marry the man of your dreams despite the odds and the courage and bravery you showed in the face of such a horrible disease is amazing. I am crying as I write this as I truly feel as if I have lost a friend. Thank you for helping so many of us to realise how precious and fragile life truly is and teaching us to cherish every minute of our own. You have touched the lives of so many people with your words, each and every one of whom will hold you in their heart and continue your legacy until a cure is found. My thoughts and prayers are with Tom and all your family and friends at this very difficult time. I hope they can derive some comfort from the comfort your bravery gave others. Rest in peace Ellie, you were an astoundingly beautiful person both inside and out and you will never be forgotten.xxxx

    Reply

  94. ladyleftfieldlover
    May 18, 2012 @ 13:44:34

    I have only just heard the news and am so shocked. Speechless actually. What an inspiring woman. Much love to Tom and the rest of her family.

    Reply

  95. Angela
    May 18, 2012 @ 14:00:38

    So deeply saddened and shocked to hear this sad news. My thoughts are with your family, friends and fiancé Tom. May you rest in peace with the angels. Such an inspiration.xxx

    Reply

  96. Rebecca Griffin
    May 18, 2012 @ 14:02:04

    As the sister of someone who is ‘too young’ to have breast cancer too, it has been a breath of fresh air reading Ellie’s blog… so sad for my sister to tell me today that she had passed away – her legacy will live on. May she rest in peace, a beautiful, inspiring angel. Thoughts and prayers to Tom and her family. Much love x x x

    Reply

  97. Lotty Anne
    May 18, 2012 @ 14:31:16

    Rest well you beautiful woman, you fought harder than anyone expected you to and the world is proud of you
    Forever in my thoughts
    i think a run should be set up for her so that she can carry on helping

    Reply

  98. linda turner
    May 18, 2012 @ 14:58:28

    Bless your heart Ellie, Now you are wrapped in the arms of another Angel.
    Love and thoughts are with Tom and your Family

    Reply

  99. Kerys,
    May 18, 2012 @ 15:17:45

    I can’t get over how bitterly unfair this is, so close to Ellie’s wedding, and when she still had so much hope and fight left in her. She was supposed to be on holiday around now I guess – I was hoping that explained the lack of updates. So terribly sorry for her family. What an absolutely lovely person she was.

    Reply

  100. Laura S
    May 18, 2012 @ 15:49:50

    Shocked and saddened to hear the news. Such a loss. Thoughts and prayers are with Tom and her family and friends. Gone but not forgotten. She touched so many lives xx

    Reply

  101. surferking
    May 18, 2012 @ 15:57:08

    Very moved by your story, you’ll live forever in the hearts of those that are lucky enough to have known you and shared your courageous and generous life. Best wishes to all your family.

    Reply

  102. Jane
    May 18, 2012 @ 16:10:07

    Absolutely gutted to hear this. It’s testament to Ellie’s brilliant writing that so many people that never met her feel like they’ve lost a friend. What a legacy this is. All those close to Ellie should feel so proud of everything she’s achieved, especially this blog which has informed and educated so many people – sending you all so much love xxx

    Reply

  103. Danielle
    May 18, 2012 @ 16:30:04

    I have been checking back to see if Ellie had updated comments or her blog (can I ask how you found out such sad news?), but when I read these comments my breath left me. I feel as though I have lost a friend. Peace be with her.

    Reply

  104. Kay Southgate
    May 18, 2012 @ 16:36:34

    It has been many many years since I saw any of the family, but my thoughts and love are with you at this heartbreaking time. Ellie touched the lives of many many people. I am honoured to have read her brave words.

    God speed, Ellie, you have made me laugh and made me cry. xxxxx

    Reply

  105. muffy
    May 18, 2012 @ 16:37:33

    xxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  106. Jackie
    May 18, 2012 @ 16:39:08

    I too have just heard the sad news and cannot find words to express how sorry I am. You will never be forgotten, your inspiration will always live on. My deep condolences to Tom and all your family and friends x

    Reply

  107. Nikki
    May 18, 2012 @ 16:55:33

    RIP Ellie – so sad to hear the news – but you battled so incredibly hard and defied the odds. Condolences to your family and everyone who loved you. Rest now X

    Reply

  108. Nessy
    May 18, 2012 @ 17:15:46

    So sad…..sweet angel. You’r in Heaven now
    My thoughts are with Tom and the familie
    Big hugss

    Reply

  109. Ian
    May 18, 2012 @ 17:16:28

    RIP Ellie my thoughts and prayers with you and your family. So sad so choked by this heartbreaking news

    Reply

  110. Nessy
    May 18, 2012 @ 17:17:27

    So sad…..you’r a Angel now, fly to be free
    My thoughts are with Tom and the familie
    My deepest respect!

    Reply

  111. sandra
    May 18, 2012 @ 17:42:13

    I hope you are at peace now brave and clever Ellie. I will think of you often.

    Reply

  112. Linda Danielle
    May 18, 2012 @ 17:43:20

    RIP Ellie. I also have cancer and each and every days is a battle. Reading your blog, your words filled with so much hope against all odds for the future stings my eyes with tears. A dear friend sent me this song and he told me ‘Live like you are dying’ and that is what I am doing, each moment in time so special. God bless you Ellie and your wonderful man Tom whose heart is now broken.

    Reply

  113. Lauren
    May 18, 2012 @ 18:55:05

    So terribly sorry to hear this sad news. I am another one who never met Ellie, but her positive spirit shone through in her writing and I can barely begin to imagine how much she will be missed.

    Reply

  114. Betty Harris
    May 18, 2012 @ 18:58:43

    Another bright star will shine in heaven tonight, God Bless you Ellie. Thinking of all her family at this sad time.

    Reply

  115. Laura Selway
    May 18, 2012 @ 19:17:09

    So sad also to hear the news. I hope family and friends can take strength in seeing all these comments and know that Ellie’s memory will live on in all of us who didn’t even know her but were so touched and strengthened in our own lives by her positive outlook and amazing spirit. Lots of love and condolences to you all, xxx

    Reply

  116. anna
    May 18, 2012 @ 19:23:21

    I am so so sad. I have been checking daily to see Ellies updates. Bless you all and wishing you so much love and thoughts.

    Reply

  117. Natalie McDonald
    May 18, 2012 @ 20:38:57

    No words…….just tears,a lovely lady taken to soon.Thinking of Tom &Ellies family.

    Reply

  118. Sally-Ann
    May 18, 2012 @ 20:42:01

    Rest in peace, Ellie.

    Reply

  119. Lindsay
    May 18, 2012 @ 20:42:11

    So so sorry to hear this very sad news. I never met you Ellie but have been reading your blog, you are truly inspirational, my thoughts are with your family & Tom, raising a glass to you tonight gorgeous Ellie xxx

    Reply

  120. sa1
    May 18, 2012 @ 21:05:39

    RIP Ellie. Her blog has helped me in dealing with my own secondary breast cancer. Thinking of Tom and her family and friends.

    Reply

  121. Gail
    May 18, 2012 @ 21:27:00

    Beautiful Ellie-you really did put up a good fight and defied the odds! You touched my heart-all the way to the USA! Will always remember that smiling face! You will no longer suffer any more pain. RIP. My thoughts are with you Tom and Ellie’s family.

    Reply

  122. Rosie Butler
    May 18, 2012 @ 21:31:26

    Dearest Ellie

    Lay down
    Your sweet and weary head
    Night is falling
    You’ve come to journey’s end
    Sleep now
    And dream of the ones who came before
    They are calling
    From across the distant shore

    Why do you weep?
    What are these tears upon your face?
    Soon you will see
    All of your fears will pass away
    Safe in my arms
    You’re only sleeping

    [Chorus]
    What can you see
    On the horizon?
    Why do the white gulls call?
    Across the sea
    A pale moon rises
    The ships have come to carry you home

    And all will turn
    To silver glass
    A light on the water
    All souls pass

    Hope fades
    Into the world of night
    Through shadows falling
    Out of memory and time
    Don’t say: «We have come now to the end»
    White shores are calling
    You and I will meet again

    And you’ll be here in my arms
    Just sleeping

    [Chorus]
    And all will turn
    To silver glass
    A light on the water
    Grey ships pass
    Into the West

    (from Lord of the Rings – into the west by Annie Lennox)

    Dear Tom

    sending love and hugs to join the thousand other thoughts and messages you will receive

    a thousand people and more have walked with you both these last few months and we are with you still

    Ellie was simply a very special human being – her short time here has touched so many lives

    with love

    Rosie Butler

    Reply

  123. makemeadiva
    May 18, 2012 @ 21:54:00

    Thank you for you Ellie. You will be missed. Wishing your family and Tom all the strength in the world at this time.

    Reply

  124. Laura
    May 18, 2012 @ 22:10:23

    Ellie, even many years ago back in school you were an inspiration. Always a happy, beautiful girl who I looked up to. You will be missed so much, but your positivity will live on. We must stop taking life for granted before its too late. My thoughts go out to those touched by Ellie. xxx

    Reply

  125. Briony
    May 18, 2012 @ 22:45:29

    I had to post as I have been checking this for weeks, desperate to know how well you are doing. I am just devastated for your family Ellie but I hope they are taking strength from the fact that they knew such a wonderful human being. Much love to you Ellie, on your new journey.

    Reply

  126. Nicky
    May 18, 2012 @ 22:52:08

    Oh Ellie – such sad news. Thinking of your family, Tom and friends. You have inspired so many to keep fighting.

    Reply

  127. Philippa
    May 18, 2012 @ 22:57:29

    I’m so sorry Ellie. This sad news is so sudden and unexpected. I hope you are at peace now. You are so inspirational and have positively changed my life – I think about things differently, appreciate what is truly important, and do more to try to improve my health. You have left a significant impression on the world, which I know was important to you. You showed such strength physically and emotionally. Wishing your loved ones strength. xxx

    Reply

  128. Tracey
    May 18, 2012 @ 23:16:04

    Rest in Peace Ellie. I hope Tom and your families find some comfort together. Life is unfair. God bless you all. In my prayers forever, much love, Tracey x

    Reply

  129. Anouska Bush
    May 18, 2012 @ 23:30:33

    Gone too soon. The world is a little bit darker now you are no longer in it. Love and hugs to your Tom. Rest in peace Ellie. You were amazeballs :-) xxx

    Reply

  130. Deb
    May 19, 2012 @ 03:06:56

    Absolutely heartbreaking

    Reply

  131. Margaret
    May 19, 2012 @ 08:37:17

    I am so very sorry to hear the sad news ,I’m sure you are with the angels now Ellie and at peace. My condolences and love to your family and friends and especially to Tom. You were such a special person and an inspiration, so brave and you will always be remembered with great affection xx

    Reply

  132. Amanda Power
    May 19, 2012 @ 08:57:53

    I think we have all been worried throughout May having not seen Ellie update her blog and now we know why. She was guarding her strength and putting up a hell of a fight in true Ellie spirit.
    Like most of you I’ve been checking Ellie’s blog daily, trying not to think the worst but wondering all the same.
    Ellie fought for her life both for herself, Tom, and her loved ones. Let all us cancer patients honour her memory by doing the same. And if we don’t win the battle, lets take peace in knowing that Ellie has gone before us and we have someone who we would all like very much to meet waiting for us in heaven. Imagine the party!
    Rest now Ellie – rest.
    Tom and family – the devastation of your loss is insurmountable, draw strength from Ellie, your memories with her, and your utter pride in her.
    It’s been an honour to say the least.
    RIP Ellie.

    With love, Amanda, South Africa

    Reply

  133. Elisa Carnevale
    May 19, 2012 @ 10:47:58

    I can’t add more, Amanda’s words express my feelings too.
    Ellie, I will miss your words, I have learnt so much from you.
    RIP.

    Elisa (Italy)

    Reply

  134. Sue
    May 19, 2012 @ 11:54:53

    RIP Ellie and deepest condolences at Tom and all Ellie’s family and friends. Inspirational is an over-used word, but Ellie is someone who truly did inspire all of those with whom she came into contact with her bravery, words, wit and wisdom. The world is a poorer place for her loss. Another angel looking over us all. Too sad and taken far, FAR too soon, RIP Ellie, with love from Sue

    Reply

  135. Connie, Brisbane
    May 19, 2012 @ 12:16:50

    I’m a little in shock – I thought things were ‘ok’……I’m at a total loss…..lovely lovely Ellie…

    Reply

  136. Rebecca
    May 19, 2012 @ 13:38:02

    So so sad…well fought Ellie…may you rest in peace…my thoughts and prayers go out to your beautiful family xx

    Reply

  137. Claire
    May 19, 2012 @ 14:19:29

    Such desperately sad news. Like everyone here, my thoughts are with Tom, Ellie’s family and her friends. It has been a privilege to share Ellie’s journey over these months and I have absolutely no doubt that she will continue to be an inspiration. Rest in peace beautiful, smart, funny Ellie in the knowledge that you touched us all x

    Reply

  138. twinkletoesuk
    May 19, 2012 @ 14:35:40

    Ellie – sleep well.

    Thoughts are with your family. Tom my heart aches for you. Take strength from the inspirational fight she gave.

    xxx

    Reply

  139. Seaneen
    May 19, 2012 @ 15:22:40

    Rest in peace, Ellie. My love to Tom and your friends and family. xxx

    Reply

  140. DEBORAH MORGAN-SMITH...........Surrey
    May 19, 2012 @ 16:16:29

    I logged on hoping there would be an update from Ellie because of the long gap since the last. I assumed that she was busy with wedding preparations. Then I read a comment saying “She was….” and my heart dropped.
    What a terribly sad day, so soon to the wedding, and so sudden to us bloggers.
    Ellie has ” gone home” and Tom and her loved one’s will meet with her again one day, but in the meantime, we must all pray for those left behind who were so privileged to know such a remarkable lady, and who will be heartbroken by the loss.

    I’m so sorry XXXX

    Reply

  141. mogonamountain
    May 19, 2012 @ 18:35:08

    I’m so sorry to hear this awful news. Ellie certainly touched my life in the short time I ‘met’ her on this blog. Bless you, Ellie. You’ll be very badly missed. x

    Reply

  142. mogonamountain
    May 19, 2012 @ 18:37:18

    Such awful news. My thoughts are with Tom and Ellie’s family. Ellie certainly touched my life through the few months I ‘met’ her on this blog. An inspiration and a gorgeous lady.

    Bless you, and thank you, Ellie. You’ll be missed very much. x

    Reply

  143. Deb
    May 19, 2012 @ 19:26:33

    Rest in peace Ellie.

    Reply

  144. Denise Jackson
    May 19, 2012 @ 19:44:48

    Ellie you will be in my prayers as will your family. You were always a special girl at Bydales School and it was a privilege to have taught you. Your cheerful and smiling face will stay with me always. Peace and love to you in your new resting place and condolences to Tom and your family.

    Reply

  145. leanne chetham
    May 19, 2012 @ 19:53:41

    Such sad, sad news – I cant believe it – a true inspiration to us all and what a fighter! Sending love and hugs to Tom and Ellie’s family – RIP a truly special person.

    Reply

  146. Hannah
    May 19, 2012 @ 20:13:13

    The comments on this blog are testimony to the impact that Ellie has had, and continues to have, on the lives of so many people. To leave such a legacy is a remarkable achievement and something to be intensely proud of. Many of us have never known Ellie personally and yet we feel for her friends and family so strongly. Ellie, you’ve been a total inspiration. Thank you, and may you rest in peace. xxx

    Reply

  147. Clare Coe
    May 19, 2012 @ 20:16:10

    Ellie, you were strong, courageous and gave hope to so many of us. I will never forget you.

    Reply

  148. Mojo
    May 19, 2012 @ 20:51:41

    Just heard the news – I’m in floods of tears, absolutely devasting, I was so convinced she would make it. My love to Tom and to Ellie’s family. RIP special lady xxxxxxx

    Reply

  149. Amy H
    May 19, 2012 @ 21:26:43

    I have been reading Ellie’s wonderful blog for over 6 months now and on hearing the news today I burst into tears. I too was convinced that nothing could bring Ellie and her fighting spirit down. Especially so close to her wedding, it is heart breaking. What an inspiration Ellie was and still is to so many of us. Her blog has touched so many and shown us how to appreciate what we have and not to give up no matter what is put in our way. What an amazing legacy to have. My thoughts are with her family. RIP xxxxx

    Reply

  150. mogonamountain
    May 19, 2012 @ 21:56:45

    I’m really sad to hear the news. What a fabulous lady who touched so many of our lives. Love to Tom and Ellie’s family. She will be missed greatly. x

    Reply

  151. mogonamountain
    May 19, 2012 @ 21:59:33

    I’m really sorry to hear the news. What a fabulous lady who touched so many of our lives. Love to Tom and Ellie’s family. She will be missed greatly. x

    Reply

  152. SarahH
    May 19, 2012 @ 22:07:24

    Ellie, you have totally inspired me. I am so desperately sad that life was cut short for you. From reading your posts I know that you experienced a life full of true love & laughter. You will be remembered by so many, including complete strangers like myself, for your steadfast courage and optimism. I would like to offer my sincere condolences and love to Tom and your family. Rest easy knowing that you touched so many people’s hearts.

    Reply

  153. quirkyumbrella
    May 20, 2012 @ 01:14:59

    Completely shocked to hear this news….. Ellie – you were a total inspiration to everyone who ‘met’ you through this blog. You reminded us all of how precious life is and your strength and courage will always be remembered. Dear Tom and Ellie’s family – I am so very sorry. My thoughts are with you. Take care xxx

    Reply

  154. Caren
    May 20, 2012 @ 04:02:21

    So so sorry to hear the news. I too logged on everyday looking for updates, refusing to believe anything other than she was busy with wedding preparations, Ellie, you were an amazing, courageous, beautiful woman and you will never be forgotten. We were all touched and inspired by you. Thoughts and prayers to Tom and Ellie’s family.

    Reply

  155. Maria
    May 20, 2012 @ 05:24:56

    Dear Ellie, you live on in your writing and in our thoughts. Thank you for being here and sharing your wisdom with us.

    Reply

  156. ChloeGreene21
    May 20, 2012 @ 10:35:40

    Deeply saddened. Like so many of the writers above I have been checking Ellie’s blog throughout May and worrying about her and sending positive and loving thoughts.

    Oh farewell you beautiful, brave, inspirational woman. I will not forget you.

    Tom you are a special man and I never met you or Ellie but you are so strongly in my thoughts today. I am sending you the biggest hug and warmest thoughts in your terrible devastating loss.

    Chloe xxx

    Reply

  157. quirkyumbrella
    May 20, 2012 @ 10:42:55

    Your words will live on – you have given us inspiration and hope and laughter. So very sad. My thoughts are with Tom and Ellie’s family who must be so proud of Ellie and the legacy she has left behind. They will miss her desperately but I hope they can be as strong as Ellie was. Rest in peace.

    Reply

  158. Zoe Harris
    May 20, 2012 @ 10:46:12

    So so sad to see such sad news on this blog of hope. Ellie, I didn’t know you, but feel like I got to know a little bit of you through your posts. You were dealt an absolute shitter! But girl you fought it. I’ll miss reading your beautiful words. Thinking of you and your family.

    Reply

  159. claire leng
    May 20, 2012 @ 11:39:09

    I write this with tears flooding down my cheeks my heart saddened by this terrible news, i never met you ellie but you brought so much inspiration to my life and whilst you didnt know you have helped me immensely with my on-going cancer battle. I will never forget you and im just glad you do not have to suffer anymore, rest in peace sweet ellie, my prayers and thoughts are with your beloved Tom and your family and friends at this devastating time.
    Claire xx

    Reply

  160. Chris
    May 20, 2012 @ 12:02:55

    You were an inspiration and I am so sad to hear this news. Your blog became a part of my life and your courage and humour throughout your personal battle was astounding. You will leave a big hole in the hearts of family, friends and people like me who just found you on the internet and were hoping and praying that this blog would lead to a happy ending. It was not to be but your words will live on and I am sure will continue to give others hope and courage to face their battles too. My best wishes to Tom and your family Ellie – rest in peace. xxx

    Reply

  161. Alanna
    May 20, 2012 @ 17:14:45

    May you rest in peace sweet Ellie and I hope this blog stays here to show the mark you left on all of us who followed it. I remember first reading about it in the paper and I followed it all the time, praying for good news – your positivity was absolutely amazing and I promise I will carry that on through my life – I hope we all will.

    Reply

  162. Anne Abraams
    May 20, 2012 @ 17:59:36

    So sad to hear the news today. Been following Ellie since I was diagnosed myself. My thoughts are with Tom and Ellie’s family

    Reply

  163. Chantel
    May 20, 2012 @ 18:09:40

    god bless you Ellie from a fellow cancer sufferer. The people above have said it all and more. You can sleep peacefully knowing how many people’s lives you have deeply touched without even meeting them and you will continue to be thought of with deepest respect and admiration as well as love. Hopefully your family, Tom and friends can use that as a comfort in these sad days and months. RIP

    Reply

  164. ruinedhouse
    May 20, 2012 @ 19:39:05

    To Sweet Ellie,

    I am so sorry that you lost your brave fight. You were such a inspiration, and were so positive even when facing horrible circumstances.

    You were always so calm it seemed, and so clever in the way you wrote about the things that most of would be in panic about.

    I think that your memory will live on forever, because you have touched so many peoples lives.

    I know everyone who was family and friends to you must be hurting so tremedously now, but they must also feel so proud to have had such a lovely girl in their lives.

    My heart feels so sad when i think of Tom, I can’t say anything else, i will be thinking of him so much in the coming weeks.

    Matt, my dear cousin, if you’re reading this, I’m thinking of you.

    To Ellies best friend Miffy, I’m so sorry x

    And to Ellie’s family, i can’t describe how much i feel for you. xxxx

    Lots of love, Laura ( Croudace) xxxxx

    Reply

  165. LeeB
    May 20, 2012 @ 20:37:29

    I went to college with Ellie. Truly a girl to light up a room. Everybody liked her. I had not seen her in 14 years but read these blogs and cried. A sad sad loss for all. Not many of us will unknowingly touch so many people in a life time. RIP Ellie Jeffrey.

    Reply

  166. Sarah L.
    May 20, 2012 @ 20:58:58

    I’m so so sorry and sad to have read the messages above. Like so many others here i’ve been periodically checking the blog over the last few weeks and hoping that the gap between posts was due to wedding preparations. I only knew Ellie though her writing, but that was more than enough to convince me of what a wonderful, smart and brave talent she was. I won’t forget her. This is so bloody unfair. For her and for all of the family and friends that obviously adored her. I hope that they, and her beloved [and by all accounts brilliant] Tom are managing to cope and to take comfort from the memory of their wonderful Ellie.

    Reply

  167. Louise Nurse
    May 21, 2012 @ 15:15:30

    Ellie you were a fighter to the end! You have touched so many people’s hearts all around the world. A very caring beautiful young lady who will be remembered always. Love from your relatives in Cambridgex

    Reply

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