Hope Springs

I may as well come out and say it straight away; the trial isn’t happening.  One of the side effects of the trial drug is retinal detachment and as I already have a tiny bit of damage to my right eye from where I had a tumour (no longer there, thank you very much radiotherapy) the monitors of the trial ruled me out.

I can’t deny how much of a huge blow this was – and still is – especially coming so soon after five unnecessary days in hospital.  My mum was with me when I received the call and was dumbstruck when I told her; neither of us could quite believe my recent run of bad luck.

I had started to find hope in the prospect of the trial; what if this really kicked the disease into touch?  I was looking forward to my hair growing back and the prospect of having proper eyebrows and lashes for the wedding, but most of all I wanted to give my body a break from chemo, from all of my cells taking a battering in the hope that the cancer would come off worse.

But it wasn’t to be.  The people at the trial centre had informed Professor Hope of the news on the same day, a Friday, and I took some comfort in knowing that he would have time to think of a new plan over the weekend.  Monday came round and Prof Hope did indeed have a plan; I’m now taking a new tablet form of chemo once every two weeks. I could tell he was annoyed for me that the trial wasn’t going ahead, but he reassured me that there are still options out there.

Recently it feels like with each knock the positivity and hope I try so hard to hold onto evaporates. I have started bringing up the prospect of me dying with Tom.  It’s hard not to have these thoughts when I can feel lumps on my chest getting bigger and what started out as a small red mark on my chest has now grown to what looks like a large burn.

I have to look at that every single day, a cruel reminder of the cancer literally eating away at my body and on which no medicine as yet has been able to make a real impact.  Tears prick my eyes as I type this, thinking about how much I love Tom and how unbelievably heartbreaking it would be to lose what we have. I can’t help but think how desperately unfair the whole situation is, but equally how incredibly lucky we are to have ever met at all.

I look at my baby nephew and wonder how many birthdays I will see him reach.  Will he even get the chance to remember me or will I simply become the aunt that died of cancer? I think of my family getting on with life without me; a new dynamic where my brother becomes the youngest.

I know Tom’s not keen on hearing such thoughts but he allows me to discuss them with him.  As a reader I’m sure you want ‘Positive Ellie’ back and believe me I’m still here, but I refuse to deny the thoughts and fears that at times crowd my mind.

On the other end of the scale I’m most certainly not without hope.  Hope for a complete cure? Of course, stranger things have happened.  I wouldn’t be going ahead with treatment unless I believed that there is a chance something will work.  When you’re as full of love for a person as I am it seems unthinkable to give up on yourself.

The good news is that my hair has started to grow back on this new chemo and although I won’t allow myself to get carried away I know there is a possibility that I could have hair for the wedding.  I was at home in North Yorkshire recently and saw that the snowdrops are out; daffodils won’t be long in following.  I can’t help but be cheered up at the prospect of springtime and warmer weather.  It seems an appropriate season to have your hair grow back and maybe it’s time for some more of that hope too. See? I told you the ‘Positive Ellie’ is still in there somewhere.

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102 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Duncan Jones
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 15:54:51

    I’m so pleased that “Positive Ellie” is still there. Your blog is such a source of inspiration and I wish you all the good things you deserve.

    Reply

  2. Kim Kelly
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 15:57:20

    “Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.” I pinched this quote from Helen Keller. But I like the sentiment – don’t give up on us, Ellie!

    Reply

  3. Chloe Greene
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:01:55

    I’m in Brighton library and your blog post just appeared in my email and I read it straightaway and tears pricked my eyes too.

    What a tough time you have been having. You always write with such honesty Ellie. I respect you so much.

    Warmer days are ahead. Your hair is growing back. Prof Hope has a plan. And all of us who read your blog are sending powerful messages to the universe to heal beautiful Ellie xx

    Reply

  4. Sharon B
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:03:39

    Never give up hope Ellie. Discussing the negative aspects of any cancer with your loved ones is a good thing too. It airs out your thoughts and stops them festering away in your head. Use all the energy you can muster to keep on keeping on and don’t look back. I’m one of the lucky ones, I’ve had two primary breast cancers, one in ’97 ( and a chemo-induced stroke to add to it) and the second in 2006, but I’m still here, silicone breasts to the front, still looking forward. Fingers crossed for another trial that is better suited to your situation.

    Reply

  5. sue
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:04:01

    Ellie, we’re all thinking about you and sending love, love Kim’s quote especially on such a lovely spring day like today.
    Hang in there Ellie x

    Reply

  6. Mojo
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:04:03

    Ellie, Ellie, Ellie, such a sweet relief to read your post and to catch up with where you are. I’m so sorry about the trial being a no go but thank the lord for good old Prof Hope..the man who always has a plan.
    I think all of us have lain awake in the dark hours before the dawn with thoughts of our own mortality and how we survive life without those who we have lost and what we ourselves will leave as a legacy. I think sometimes its the anger that the thought of leaving generates that drives us to fight on. And of course you won’t give up on yourself, neither will Tom and neither will we. YOU are the symbol of hope for this spring time and I wish you and Tom warm days full of sunshine (and lots of hair growth :-) !!)

    Glad your back miss positive Ellie x x

    Reply

  7. nana kwame
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:16:40

    my eyes are filled with tears,cant think of any better words to say right.You are strong! I will remember you in my prayers,never give up, there is always hope.

    Reply

  8. Melanie Richardson
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:19:37

    Darling, please don’t feel you have to be positive for us. Save your energy for yourself. If we, your faithful readership, can’t be positive for YOU then it’s a pretty poor do. Be honest with us all you want and we’ll keep on being there for you. Much love, Melanie.

    Reply

  9. lepeyruzel
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:19:39

    You are in our thoughts and prayers Ellie… today and always xxx

    Reply

  10. Ruth
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:21:15

    Ellie,

    You remain an inspiration and have every right to share not so positive Ellie as well. We are all thinking of you and willing you on to your wedding.

    Very best wishes.

    Reply

  11. sandra
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:24:13

    Ellie I have been following you since i read about you in the mail, cancer is such a bastard of a disease but please dont give up hope you are an inspiration, although very easy for me to say when i can leave my computer and carry on with my life, you seem such a lovely person with all uyour life in front of you keep fighting , i have never left a reply before but i just want you to keep going think about your wedding with hair eyelashes and even eyebrows keep your chin up sandraxxxx

    Reply

  12. Margery
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:25:31

    Hair growing back = optimism. And the longer you survive, the further the researchers get with finding the fix for you. So keep on keeping on, Ellie – it’s worth it!

    Reply

  13. marie hitchman
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:26:03

    You are such an inspiration to me & I so relate to your experiences and this reminds me I am not alone. Yes the thought of sunnier weather is wonderful today is a beutiful day. Your bound to have your down days I do and I’ve stopped feeling guilty about that. Enjoy every day yes reminding ourselves of what we are blessed with keeps me sane my gorgeous hubby & family & friendsxx love Mariex

    Reply

  14. Louise
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:26:10

    I have tried several times to type this message and deleted each attempt as each sounded too twee. So I’ll just say I am sorry about the trial but happy you have been put on a new chemo tablet.
    However: Do you get much relief from writing the blog? Is it a way to offload?
    Will you promise to post wedding pictures on here? (I love weddings!).
    With love, Louise

    Reply

  15. Marie mcconnell
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:32:06

    Ellie you are such an inspiration to all young women! I really beleive you will beat this you have come so far, you are a beautiful lady inside and out, you are so brave keep fighting Ellie! I beleive in you and know you can do it! xxxxx <3

    Reply

  16. Caroline
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:42:04

    I completely agree with Melanie Richardson. Just focus on you and be as you need to be. And let us know if we can do anything for you. Someone once told me that when you are feeling down, look at roof tops because it lifts your head and makes you feel more positive. It does actually work. I really hope things get better for you soon. Positive thoughts, big hugs, and lots of love to you and your fiance.

    Reply

  17. Mrs Smiles
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:47:46

    Thinking of you.

    Reply

  18. Pat Sweeney
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:52:44

    Ellie…thank you so much for sharing what you are going through, your thoughts, your vulnerability…I have just lit a candle for you and sat down and just thought of YOU ..wherever you are now..and sent you all the love and positive thoughts I could..and the only thing that I can share is that a friend of mine has recently introduced me to a book called “PURE” by Barefoot Doctor..since I have been reading it I know huge positive shifts are happening in MY life…..maybe you can find it on the internet..I feel certain that it would bring YOU something too in YOUR situation…
    sending you just the biggest hug, smile..and caring thoughts
    Pat xx

    Reply

  19. Mary
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 16:54:01

    Praying for you and enjoying reading your posts, you are an incredibly talented writer. I believe in miracles for your body.

    Reply

  20. DEBORAH MORGAN-SMITH...........Surrey
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 17:01:36

    Oh Ellie,your battle weary tone, and description of the scars that go with it are so distressing and frustrating for your blog army who want to be on the frontline with you,fighting off the enemy for good, but being relegated to the rear, only able to observe your onslaught and wanting to be much more pro-active! We are feeling all kinds of emotions for every word you write and the power of our prayers and thoughts and hopes for you is strengthening as you go from one challenging hurdle to another, weakening your spirit, but never your courage. We’re rallying with a battle cry,with Mr Hope at the front, shouting the loudest! Surely with so much strength and love on your side you can get the old,strong,determined,funny,bolshy Ellie to find her mojo again very soon ‘cos she’s a hell of a gal and definitely worth digging deep for!!
    Lots of Love
    XXX

    Reply

  21. Shanella Pett
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 17:10:58

    We’re thinking of you both and sending positive well wishes always.

    Keep that positive flame alive and look forward to your big day.

    Lots of love to you Ellie and know that spring will bring some better news and better health.
    Keep your spirits up…. There’s a cure around the corner :)

    Xx Shanny xx

    Reply

  22. grahaemep
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 17:18:26

    Of course we would all LOVE to see positive Ellie back, but Ellie, we understand your frustrations, we understand your doubts, we truly feel for you.
    There are so many people now on this journey with you, sharing, and buoyed by your every high and hurting and empathising with you on every setback.
    So very many of the people following your blog (myself included) are blown away by your general demeanour throughout the whole of this terrible adventure.
    So many people are inspired and lifted by your honesty, perception, and openness throughout this ordeal.
    So many prayers are being sent up for you. Whether you fully believe yet or not, you and I both know from comments that are posted how many (again myself included) do, and that has to be a positive.
    Hang in there Ellie. Keep looking for the positives in what is being thrown at you, as hard as that may be, and trust in the power of the love of those close to you, those of us who have never met you but feel so close to you, and most of all, in the Almighty himself (whose love will be real whether you fully believe or are just wondering) to carry you back into good times.
    Together Ellie, we can all fight through this setback.
    Love and God bless, and thankyou.

    Grahaeme.
    xxx

    Reply

  23. Toni millard
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 17:21:41

    I’m sorry to hear your news, I know how you feel as I am in a similar situation. It’s ok to feel low and to be fearful and at some point soon you will feel stronger and positive again
    Much love
    Toni x

    Reply

  24. Lisa McBurnie
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 17:48:18

    You have every right to sound and feel like you do but do not give up hope. Take pleasure in the Spring coming in and the new sights and smells. You are an inspiration to many but you are allowed to be human too. Keep strong xx

    Reply

  25. Gem Ryan
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 17:53:44

    I am so sorry that the trial hasn’t gone ahead. I am sending you loads of positive thoughts and energy lovely lady.
    I look forward to the blog entitled ‘Hairy Ellie’….but in the nicest way if you kow what I mean.
    WE are all with you every step of the way Ellie and of course Tom.
    xx

    Reply

  26. Angie Gerrard (@angieg70)
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 17:54:27

    Good luck Elie, I believe the cure is out there, I am waiting for the midway scan of my 6 chemo treatments, to see if it is shrinking the secondary and if it is I can carry on with the same treatment, I really hope you have a beautiful wedding and that it will be the start of something wonderful and a fantastic future xxxx

    Reply

  27. Hannah
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 17:59:52

    Bugger :( How incredibly frustrating, Ellie. I’ve been following your blog for a while and always like to read your updates to see how you are getting on. I really hope you have hair for your wedding. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts.

    It’s a strange world – I love to read your writing. I planned to be a journalist but my own illness (mental in my case – depression/bipolar) got in the way. However, I am still very lucky. xxx

    Reply

  28. Becki
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 18:05:51

    Hi Ellie – I was getting worried about you as we hadn’t heard anything in a while.

    This is YOUR blog and so you should NEVER ever feel like you have to be positive or have to put on a brave face just for us. This is a place for you to write exactly how you feel and hopefully some of our comments may give you the strength to keep on going. Never feel you have to pretend to be something if that is not the way you feel – all that will do is zapp your energy and you need to keep that energy for all the disease fighting you are doing.

    It absolutely stinks that you didnt get on the trial and anyone is bound to feel disappointed, upset etc but you never know what is around the corner. It may be that you didn’t get on this trial because there is a bigger, better more suitable trial for you just around the corner.

    We love you and are here to support you. Dont you ever give up no matter how flat or low you may feel. That is what the cancer wants you to do – to give up – dont give in to it, keep fighting.

    With love xxx

    Reply

  29. Tina
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 18:11:38

    Dear Ellie
    so glad to see u posting but so sorry to hear about the trial :( Hopefully it’s happened for a reason + this new chemo will really hold the bast*rd cancer back. Are u on vinoralbine now? Don’t forget about the gem-carbo option (I had a brill response to carbo last yr + 6mths off treatment!).
    We are all hoping that things can only get better 4u from this point on.
    Much love,
    Tina xx

    Reply

  30. Ysabel
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 18:15:55

    Dear Ellie,
    Even if I am not exactly and orthodox Catholic, I recommend you to pray to Father Kapaun. He has been the “miracle” priest on cases that seem to have no hope.
    Please Ellie, read at his medicals miracles and you will be amazed . I am already praying to him for you.

    Father Emil J. Kapaun
    Servant of God
    Priest, Soldier and Friend
    Pray for Us

    Reply

  31. Helen Foulds
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 18:19:23

    Nothing I can think of to say really. I think your thoughts are totally understandable. But, as with everything, I believe in positive energy so just keep in your mind the thousands of people who read your blog and are willing something to work. That’s a lot of positivity right there xxxxxx. And if this trial isn’t happening maybe it’s because another one will be more suited to you in a couple of months? And the knock back will give your body a little time to get over the recent set backs and hospital stays? Sending all my positive thoughts and wishes xxx love to you both

    Reply

  32. Linda Ann McCrea
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 18:30:17

    Dear Ellie
    Deeply sorry about this twist in your tale; and as one lovely reader stated it could be that an even more perfect & apt trial awaits you.
    I feel the sting of your tears on your face as you penned this and it made me cry too..We must cry with you and be strong for Tom. What love you have for each other.Just like everyone here , I want and wait and pray patiently for a new and mighty miracle without any further setbacks .Your wee body is needing that physical healing and emotional &spiritual solace. May you soon be totally healed and ready to make proper wedding plans.
    God Bless you at this difficult moment
    Much love
    Linda

    Reply

  33. Cate
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 18:35:31

    You are just having a bit of a reality check and that is perfectly natural. However, every single day that you wake up, you are a day closer to your wedding day. Are you able to do any planning? That would give you something to look forward to and aim for and will brighten the dark times. Have you got your dress? How many bridesmaids are you having? Are you allowed to tell us a colour scheme? Think positive thoughts when you can. I can’t imagine what it must be like to see this damn disease creeping up over your body, but let positive Ellie have a big say in every day. Spring time is a time of hope, so keep smiling. There are many many people thinking positive thoughts for you and sending you lots of love.

    Reply

  34. sarah
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 18:53:02

    Oh what a dam pain about the trial, but thank god for the new chemo, I’ve got everything crossed that this will do the trick for you. Don’t need to apologize to us for expressing how you feel, this is your blog a space to vent, rant and generally get it all out, thats what I do with my own blog, I know how you feel cause I’m in the same space with BC secondaries, I have tried to bring up the conversation that no one wants to have about death and dying and come up against brick walls with my partner, to be fair he is a lot younger than me and death just does not figure in his mindset, maybe phoning a help line or booking a counseling session might release some of the unwanted thoughts on that particular subject, I’m going to try counseling just to see if it will help talking to someone not connected in anyway. Keep looking forward to your wonderful wedding, and stay forever hopeful. Are you drinking lots of fresh green juice daily? (kris Carr, crazy sexy diet) like I’ve said before I think it really works, well I’m stable at the moment and something is making it work, I beg you to try juicing for a month with fresh organic fruit and veg try no red meat for a month and just see. Sending you lots of love and light and healing vibes. Sarahx

    Reply

  35. stitch this
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 19:01:43

    There is a very positive aspect in being honest, open and allowing yourself to acknowledge darker thouhts IMHO sweetie. It has to be both physically and mentally more healthy to get ‘em out there. Someone once said sunshine is the best disinfectant. The blog can be your bleach as it were. Thinking of you and yours. Get those wedding mags out!!

    Reply

  36. Jan
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 19:06:38

    Hi Ellie,Not much more to add , everyone else has said it all …the sadness, the tears .. so instead , big hugs to a brave beautiful girl….. come on, give her a break already!!!!! ,
    May Tom keep you strong,
    Jan xx

    Reply

  37. Carol Orlando
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 19:18:43

    Hi, Ellie. Sorry to hear about the trial. Still thinking of you and praying. I hope better days will be coming soon.

    Reply

  38. Lindsay
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 19:23:53

    Keep on keeping on Ellie. Wishing you all the best and a looooong run of GOOD luck! x

    Reply

  39. Becoming herself
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 19:30:27

    So sorry about the trial, but you never know with these things – it may just work out for the best. I so hope you feel lifted by all the energy and positivity in these comments. Your post is honest and moving as ever. Wishing and willing you the best of everything.x

    Reply

  40. Nada
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 19:31:45

    Ellie, when you start making plans for your wedding – please let me know, I’d love to photograph your wedding or engagement shoot free of charge. You’re such an inspiration!

    PS: I can’t find a contact details for you here, so just gonna link the website in the details.

    Good luck & lots of love, Nada.

    Reply

  41. Kadi
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 19:33:42

    I can only say I think you are simply amazing, such an inspiration and your stories have touched me in more ways I thought was possible. You have been in my prayers ever since I found your blog and one day hope to see a post telling us you have won the battle against this monstrosity and can live happily ever after with the man you love so much and who, no doubt, would do anything for you. Stay strong!

    Reply

  42. Lisa Facey
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 19:40:01

    It must be so hard to stay positive Ellie but this is just a run of bad luck, that’s all nothing more nothing less. Things are already looking better, new tablet, new hair growth, I think you’ll find a run of good luck is probably just around the corner, just like spring.

    Reply

  43. Jane Elisabeth
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 19:43:53

    You are so amazing and positive Ellie! Keep it up! :-)

    Reply

  44. Cate
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 20:10:41

    Hi Ellie,

    Rubbish news about the trial. No wonder you’re upset. It’s all mights and maybes at the moment. We put so much hope and faith into the next proposed step that other possibilities get kicked aside. Sometimes trials are suggested because they might work and they’re on the research radar, but they are always a trial of the unknown.

    You know you are still strong and fighting, and you know you’ll give it your all. That’s two definites. It’s just frustrating that we can’t pass our own strength onto you and ease the load a bit. You’ll get there, Ellie, just on a different path to the one you were originally directed to. Please don’t think about being positive Ellie for us. It’s us who should be doing that for you!

    Sending you the very best. Cate x

    Reply

  45. Elizabeth
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 20:13:37

    Your post brought tears to my eyes. You are so brave. xx

    Reply

  46. JulieG (@Go1dfinch)
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 20:20:26

    All of the above. Thank you for posting. Sending hugs and positive vibes xx

    Reply

  47. Tamara
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 21:09:26

    Dearest Ellie, please stay positive. Around me there are 3 women who had the diagnosis breastcancer in the last 2 months. For me to see the impact on the lifes of these women is very hard. But I try to help them by just giving a hug and listening. So here’s for you my virtual hug!

    Reply

  48. Katie hammond
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 21:24:51

    Thoughts and absolute best wishes from another blog reader you don’t know but whose life you touch. I really hope that there is another trial out there with your name on it which will kick that cancer into touch. xx

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  49. Pam Gotham
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 21:38:55

    OK Ellie. Glad you’ve got that off your chest. No point in holding onto anything glass-half-empty. Now you’ve expelled those down-beat feelings, get cracking on kicking the negative physical stuff out of your body. Mind over matter might sound cliched but its worth trying. Again. Glass-half-full and never give up. Love, prayers and more positive vibes, Pam x

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  50. Ruth
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 21:39:12

    You are truly an inspiration. I cannot tell you how much I hope you kick the cancers ass! You and Tom are so lucky to have each other and I hope if love and devotion play a part in bearing cancer it gives you more than a fighting chance. God bless you and keep strong xx

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  51. A Stewart
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 21:53:08

    You truly are so brave, I wish you the all the very best, stay positive
    Ali

    Reply

  52. Mel kingdom
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 22:12:29

    Sending positive, healing vibes to beautiful, brave Ellie. You can do this I know you can. Saw a poster today after reading your blog which said, she believed she could, so she did.
    Peace, love and light xx

    Reply

  53. beverley hewitson
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 22:28:55

    Dearest Ellie, I read every post from you with positivity and determination that you will be triumphant in this battle with this cancer, I refuse to think or write anything negative and only send you strength and belief that you will and can win, I don’t know you Ellie but am willing you to stay strong and positive, as easy as it is for me to say these things and not being in your shoes, do not allow it to think that it is in charge of you, stay strong my darling and only know that love is being sent to you always, keep fighting, you can do it!!!!!!!! xx

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  54. Dave Hollingdale
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 22:45:01

    Hi ther young Ellie, another emotional honest posting for this privileged reader to absorb and indeed admire your continuing fortitude. I feel the the positive vibes you display can only stand you in good stead which in turn will assist your nearest and dearest to cope with your situation Pleased your Professor is battling hard in your cause my friend.I don’t know you Ellie but I feel I can assure you that you will never be remembered just as an Aunt who died of Cancer. Your postings are inspirational to us readers.
    Take Care dave

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  55. Natalie
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 22:50:46

    Hi Ellie, sorry you’ve had crap news. Please don’t feel you have to be ‘positive Ellie’ for the sake of your readers, there are no rules for this kind of stuff. You are loved for being you. I think we are the same age and goodness know how I’d be dealing with this, I think you are amazing. Thinking of you and wishing the cancer away x

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  56. nelly oneill
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 22:59:47

    Dear Ellie,
    NEVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT, take care nellyx

    Reply

  57. Emma isted
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 23:05:42

    Reading this one makes me realise how lucky I am as a mother to my daughter Ella.
    After becoming paralysed for no reason over a 5 day period over Christmas, a 6 and a half hour op showed that her vertabre had crumbled and others dislocated onto her spinal colum. We were told that they thought she had a tumour but after waiting 6 days for results the biopsy showed that the cells were ok. She will have to be checked every 3 months as they have no idea what caused it.
    I am deeply sorry for all your bad luck.
    I await for your blog updates hoping for some news.
    Sending you my prayers and best wishes x

    Reply

  58. Gary
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 23:08:02

    Ellie you are the person we should all try to be, the world would be a better place i’ve said it before but you are amazing. best wishes Gary X

    Reply

  59. Sadie
    Feb 23, 2012 @ 23:47:20

    Hi, I think you are absolutely amazing and I love reading your blogs although they make me extremely sad. You are so lucky to have found such a wonderful man and he too was so lucky to find you and I really believe in miracles and ‘the power of prayer’ although Im not particularly religious and I know of many, many people who have been at ‘death’s door’ and are now living life to the full so never give up hope.

    My son had leukaemia when he was 11 yrs old and I hated seeing the snowdrops coming up because I used to think ‘how dare life go on when my child is so ill and my life and his is at a standstill’ but 22 years on he is a happy dad of three and I again love to see those spring bulbs coming through, just like your hair.

    Hopefully things will get better very soon. Thinking and praying for you. Love Sadie x

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  60. gezza0202
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 00:12:17

    All the above wishes, thought and sentiments I echo, Ellie. You write with searing honesty and wit and style. I am yet another blog reader who is willing your body to defeat the cancer and with so many of us that’s an awful lot of willing… Take care and enjoy your wedding planning. Best wishes, Geraldine xx

    Reply

  61. Liana
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 00:32:55

    Never ever ever give up ‘not giving up’ – so much love and best vibes and hope for better times to come.The sun was out today – a sign of brighter times just round the corner.xxx

    Reply

  62. Philippa
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 01:49:41

    Very sorry to hear the news about the trial. I hope there is another appropriate one for you very soon. It’s frustrating how stringent they are about who can and cannot take part in such trials. Surely it is more important for people to be given a chance and a source of real hope (I know I am naive and that’s not the primary purpose of these trials). It would be good if patients were given a chance to decide for themselves what risks they are willing to take. Anyway, Ellie, I check your page often for updates and am glad to hear from you. I really, really, really (x1000) hope that you get some positive news soon. I hope with the sunshine and warmer weather that Britain is having, you will find your mood naturally lifting. xxx

    Reply

  63. jmblain
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 02:05:12

    Hi ellie, i heard about your blog today from my mum (via toms friend michael, my brother).i googled u tonight and read the entire thing in one go.you have such a gift for writing and your strength reads so strongly in your words i just couldnt stop!im a doctor and i see many people with cancer but i dont think i understood a fraction of what they feel until i read your words.im going to take what you have taught me into the ward tomorrow and hopefully every day hereafter.thank you for that.good luck with the rest of your treatment and keep working on those wedding plans, ill be following you and looking forward to seeing the pics! All the best xx

    Reply

  64. Lora
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 07:57:27

    My gorgeous Ellie… We never know what’s around the corner, but i believe in prof hope and i believe In you. All my love to your amazing fiancé too. See you soon xxxxx

    Reply

  65. Lucy
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 08:10:41

    Yay for hair! Every cloud, no matter how grey, has a silver lining. I know this isn’t of much consequence but small blessings and all that!
    Please don’t feel we need you to be positive, the majority of us are amazed by your strength and determination and all of us know that in every fight there are bad times. I think you’re an amazing woman, who if she wishes, is about due the mother of all tantrums. Save your positivity for you and Tom. Come here to stamp your feet and scream if you wish.
    X

    Reply

  66. Tracie carter
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 10:07:56

    I often think of you, every so often you pop into my thoughts strongly and I’ll come home and there will be a blog from you, .. Deep breath, from me, very sad to hear your news….my first thoughts were poor girl, that’s the trial hope gone….then another thought came…..more than one way to skin a cat girl…. Not that I’ve ever skinned a cat mind you, but this is a blip, I know you won’t die, I know you are going to get married, see your baby nephew grow up, and your brother have many birthdays…..I refuse to believe this cancer will beat you, once you believe something your mind gets stronger, and it takes over and proven fact when you believe something your mind kicks off a chain of events to make it happen, ie it starts fighting this cancer even more……please Ellie believe do not doubt yourself ever you will beat this. You are a winner, with much love Tracie x

    Reply

  67. Joanne
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 11:39:12

    So honest!!
    You’re a good sort Ellie, Sending you Lots of Love and Hope From Oz.
    Joanne xxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  68. Margaret
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 12:28:35

    Ellie,I’ve just read your blog and I’m so very sorry about the trial, but Prof hope sounds like a man with a plan. Try to stay strong , the days are getting longer and warmer, keep looking ahead to your wedding , I know you can do it. Lots of love and hugs to you and Tom. Xxxx

    Reply

  69. Elisa
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 12:33:05

    Hope springs eternal, you’re right!
    speaking of hope…I really hope you are giving a serious thought about all the things you need to choose for your wedding!
    flowers…music…guest list…colours…food…wine…cars…dresses..everything!!!!
    Set your mind on your wedding day…and your body will follow!

    You go girl!

    Elisa

    Reply

  70. ali p
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 12:58:08

    Aww Ellie….Im ashamed at myself for moaning this morning about a stupid, trivial thing…..and here you are, pissed off as you have every right to be but still having positive thoughts. You are fab, i know i will probably never meet you but im sending you the hugest hug and kiss :) xxx

    Reply

  71. Mrs Richards
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 14:16:35

    As ever thinking of you, thinking of Tom xx

    Reply

  72. Laura S
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 16:22:43

    I’m sorry to read this, am thinking of you and praying for you. You can and will fight every step of the way but this doesn’t mean you have to be happy about it. You have the right to feel however you want to feel about things and I thank God for Tom in your life and that he lets you talk about what scares you. I pray for him and for all your friends and family. This trial wasn’t for you, another trial will be and with the coming of Spring, comes brighter days. xx

    Reply

  73. ladyleftfieldlover
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 17:00:44

    It seems to me that you know that you won’t give up. It is nearly March – see how far you have come. There are two men in your life with good and wonderful plans for you – Tom and Professor Hope. Concentrate on making arrangements for your wedding – it will be such a good day – I can’t wait to see the photos. As my husband sometimes says when things are a little sticky – Illegitimi non carborundum!

    Reply

  74. Hannah M
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 19:48:16

    I am so sorry that you didn’t get accepted for the trial. Don’t give up hope. You can beat this x

    Reply

  75. Verity
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 20:16:32

    I have been reading your blog for some time now, and I’ve been writing my own too http://www.verityworthington.com – about my struggles with Bipolar disorder. We are women of the same age, the same generation … and often I despair at the irony, one wanting so much to live, and the other so often wanting to die. I wish I could give you my life … but that is the cruel paradox of life, the difference between mental and physical illness.
    I hope your future is everything you want it to be; you are in my thoughts

    Reply

  76. Jane
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 21:47:43

    hi Ellie – what a horrible blow. But out there somewhere are scientists working on new trials, new drugs, new protocols, new ideas of which you will, I am sure be the beneficiary.

    The thoughts you are having are normal and understandable. And as someone above said, its your blog, say what you want.

    Enjoy the daffodils and the sunshine. Surround yourself with nature and friends and Tom, and things will start to seem better.

    xox

    Reply

  77. Emma
    Feb 24, 2012 @ 22:36:01

    I think that you’re amazingly positive in the face of so much disappointment and bad luck. Much love, positive vibes and prayers to you Ellie babexxxxxxx

    Reply

  78. Suzy
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 17:12:57

    Awful news about the trial Ellie but try to stay positive. When I had a scare recently I read Jane Plant’s book Your Life In Your Hands, which was full of useful information and a possible diet based route back to health. Who knows, it could work and at least the recipes are yummy. I hope that the Spring and wedding planning will help you feel much better.

    Reply

  79. Tina
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 18:34:22

    Ellie reading your blog has brought tears to my eyes you are an amazing inspiring lady dont give up you can beat this everyone is behind you. Be strong, sending you and Tom lots of hugs. You are in my thoughts take care xxxx

    Reply

  80. Linda precious gran
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 20:51:07

    Ellie ,i have been dying on and off since 1982,you must try vibrational energy healing,its kept me here HONEST look up song i will send ten thousand angels strong,play it when your energy needs a lift,sent with love x

    Reply

  81. Catherine
    Feb 25, 2012 @ 22:12:44

    I couldn’t care less if you are ‘positive’, ‘negative’ or ‘neutral’ I just like you. I have yet to find a flaw…Be you! You utterly, truly, completely, wholly inspire me! Thank you xxx

    Reply

  82. Inge
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 12:42:39

    Hey Ellie,
    I am also a blog reader you dont know, i have been following you thanks to Mr.Fry.
    Your story has a deep impression on me, life is beautiful but not fair. I admire your strength and fighting spirit.
    It seems to me that you have already found the ‘Positive Ellie’ !
    Hold on and take care
    xxx Inge

    Reply

  83. Joan Zia
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 13:00:09

    Dear brave friend, you WILL see those lovely flowers! You are surrounded by so much LOVE. Your partner is a gem – and so are YOU.
    God bless you and keep you safe.
    Love and prayers always,
    Joan xxxxx

    Reply

  84. Callum
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 21:56:30

    Ellie I love you! And I’m pretty sure anyone whose read your blog does to! Keep your chin up you beautiful person we all LOVE YOU!!!

    Reply

  85. dede
    Feb 26, 2012 @ 22:21:35

    Hi Ellie
    Sorry to hear the Trial wont go ahead, but i am glad you look at things from all angles, as this in its self is part of acceptance, which in turn make’s you fight all the more, and you my dear girl are a trooper.
    Have you ever heard of Zevallin, my husband had this when the chemo didnt help and he has been in remission now for three years, i think it is a form of Radiation done through injection over 10 mins,
    Keep strong Dear Ellie your army here are right behind you.
    Love to you and Tom.
    Dedexxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  86. Amanda Kinghorn
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 10:26:34

    Ellie, i’m certain you’ll look absolutely amazing on your wedding day hair and all. Wonderful to read you are feeling more positive. You can beat this. Praying for you. Much love, Amanda x

    Reply

  87. Rosie Butler
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 11:53:14

    Dear Ellie

    you must feel such a stranger in a strange land – the world that you see around you seems determined to remind of your every day battle with this demon – but there is another world too – a world of hope where the human spirit is stronger than we can imagine.

    moment by moment Ellie…. take it moment by moment. Plan your wedding with all your heart. Dream your dreams and dream them big.

    much love and fairy hugs

    Rosie Butler

    Reply

  88. Louise
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 19:38:27

    I fucking hate cancer. I’m praying each day they find better treatment options. Hope the chemo tablets are being kinder to you than the IV variety. Also hoping your hair does come back for the wedding, I’ve got a short crop of hair now but opting for the wig (nhs one over £150 one go figure) sending you love always x x

    Reply

  89. Marianna
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 20:00:52

    Love from me too Ellie. You don’t have to search too hard to find your positivity….. As ever, you write beautifully….
    Love and best best wishes to you and Tom xxx
    Marianna

    Reply

  90. Julie E
    Feb 27, 2012 @ 20:10:18

    Ellie you can’t expect to be positive all the time. You can have off days and the rest of us will send postive vibes full of hope for you that will balance it all out. Wishing you all the best and trusting that you will you will know what is best for you. Take care.

    Reply

  91. Lesley
    Feb 28, 2012 @ 16:20:51

    Just saw the fundraising for Action Against Cancer that your friend Biffy is doing. So glad that Professor Hope is looking after you Ellie. I watched a short video about his research work… he is just the man to find some new ways to attack the hideous disease.

    Lesley

    Reply

  92. Rocky Road
    Feb 29, 2012 @ 01:13:18

    Ellie baby, stay strong.

    Reply

  93. Michael Mathäß
    Feb 29, 2012 @ 19:17:11

    That´s it keep on fighting girl! :-) Wishing only nice things for you!

    Reply

  94. Nikki
    Feb 29, 2012 @ 21:10:15

    Well that blows chunks doesn’t it? How annoying about this trial not going ahead – but there must be more. Just look at this time as a time to regroup and catch your breath before the next option becomes available. Keep taking the tablets!!
    I just can’t imagine how scary it must be for your body to be doing stuff you don’t want it to do. I just want to tell it to stop and for you to marry the man you love and have a lovely time together. Spring is in the air and this is just the start of another chapter for you on this journey we call life!

    Reply

  95. Rachel
    Mar 01, 2012 @ 13:15:19

    Ellie

    The trial drug wasn’t the right one for you. The new Chemo will give you time for something more radical/effective to come along. The research is moving so fast its scary.

    Hang in there and don’t lose faith.

    Rachel

    Reply

  96. Dawn
    Mar 02, 2012 @ 19:02:30

    Hello Ellie, I’ve been following your blog and hope you get a good feeling from all the folk who send you their best wishes. You really are a lady with an amazing story of courage determination & guts and I believe because of your mental strength (which shines through even in your more tearjurking blogs) you’ll win through. When one door shuts another one opens, maybe even a better one who knows..I don’t have cancer, and i don’t pretend to know what a cancer patient goes through. i do have daily pain which sometimes is difficult to see a way out of when trying different treatments with horrible side effects and my two little kids want me to do all sorts of things!, so you see even though you receive support from writing this blog you also give support to other people not only with cancer but in all different sorts of situations, you certainly have helped me, plus the fact you write so beautifully, ever thought of writing a book?? I hope that the news of not being able to do the trail that you were hoping for will be relaced by another road to take. Keep smiling Ellie, everyone is behind you, will write again soon, x

    Reply

  97. Nicky
    Mar 03, 2012 @ 12:54:24

    Hang in there sweet cheeks. I care for a lovely chap with a severe neurological disorder, and he tells me sometimes “I don’t want want to be anyones inspiration today, I’m mad as hell as having to put up with this crap” You don’t have to be positve all the time chick.
    We’re all behind you, even though you can’t see us….
    Nicky x

    Reply

  98. lindsay
    Mar 04, 2012 @ 00:14:10

    FYI…Hi Ellie, my dad is currently on chemo tablets and has been recommended cumin seeds by a friend for their health properties. They are supposedly good for the immune system and are anti-carcinogenic. He’s just started sprinkling them into his meals! They are not tasty but you can boil them to make a sort of tea as well which is a slightly more palatable…

    Reply

  99. Connie, Brisbane
    Mar 05, 2012 @ 11:36:58

    Ellieeeeeeee! I’m being greedy for ‘more Ellie news’……but I’m so wondering how you are doing? I hope you are in good form :-)

    Reply

  100. Karen
    Mar 07, 2012 @ 10:38:59

    Thinking of you Ellie and hoping your long silence is because you’re too busy hav
    ing happy days, lots of love xxx :)

    Reply

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