I get knocked down…

I’ll warn you in advance that this isn’t going to be the most positive of posts. I have recently come out of hospital after a five-night stay.  The culprit this time?  The port.  It was becoming so painful that I asked the doctors at the research centre to have a look at it for me and they immediately booked me in for an ultrasound and chest X-ray.  The tests revealed that I had a haematoma and a vein was blocked with a clot, so it was back to A&E for the second time in as many months.  By the time the taxi pulled up outside the hospital it was so painful that I was in tears.

I was admitted to the oncology ward and it was decided that the port should be removed. This was not a pleasant experience. I was told it would be under general anaesthetic but when I got to the department for the procedure the surgeon told me it would be local.  This caught me off guard and I started to panic; I tried not to cry but couldn’t help the tears running down my cheeks as the cut was made. I felt so vulnerable laid on that table, wide awake and with my chest exposed. But the anaesthetist held my hand and talked to me while the port was removed, and I was grateful for a comforting voice.

I couldn’t believe my bad luck; I’d never heard of this happening to anyone before. I was just about back on my feet from the previous hospital stay. I’d been feeling stronger and more positive and what happens?  Life deals me another blow, leaving me asking how much of this bullshit can I realistically take.

The port was out but the problems didn’t stop there.  It was decided not to give me any blood thinners on the Friday and to let the area settle down over the weekend, but by Monday I was told I now had clots in my right arm as well.

When I complained to the vascular doctor that I had pains running up the inside of my arm and had restricted movement he said he thought I had a frozen shoulder; the swelling from the clot meant that  I couldn’t turn my neck and this was the result. I would need physio and any thought of me returning to yoga when I got home was quickly dashed. The doctor also informed me I’d probably be on Heprin, a blood thinner, for at least the next six months.  I have to give myself this injection every day.

When I got back to my side room I was told I was being shipped out and moved onto a shared ward, which was probably one of the most traumatic experiences of the whole stay! I know that sounds dramatic but being on a shared hospital ward is like taking part in the most miserable version of Big Brother imaginable. Throw in the fact that you all have a life-threatening illness into the mix and you arrive at ward D for depressing.  A poor woman in her eighties in the bed opposite me was vomiting almost constantly from 12am to 4am and another lady who looked close to death was just a bed away.  Psychologically, hospitals are the absolute worst places to be when you’re unwell.

Tom was amazing as usual and spent as much time with me as possible and my mum travelled down from up north to be by my side when Tom couldn’t be.

I’m back home now and feeling very fragile. Mum and I watched Call the Midwife last night and one of the storylines was of a man whose young wife died in the final weeks of her pregnancy.  They had been so in love and were looking forward to a future together. By the time she passed away near to the end of the episode I was heaving empathetic sobs.

That’s the thing you see, when I get a setback I start thinking negatively. I’m pissed off this happened to me and wish I’d never had the port fitted; I’m worried that the trial will be delayed because I might be deemed not fit enough to take part. I know I’ve been here before I just didn’t think it would be so soon to be feeling like this again.

I was meant to be travelling to see my sister and nephew in Bratislava this week but that had to be cancelled, much like trips to Israel and New York were scrapped when I found out I had brain mets, and of course our New Year’s celebrations were shat on from high above with a case of neutropenic sepsis. I’m not going to apologise for moaning because at the moment I feel like it’s so terribly unfair, but I’m learning life keeps happening no matter what.  There’s no such thing as your fair share of bad luck, so you’ve just got to pick yourself back up and have faith that it will change.

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110 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Cate
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:01:20

    I’m so sorry to hear that things have not been great for you. I follow your updates avidly and love to hear that all is well, but in life we have to take the rough with the smooth… and I think that with all these roughs, you are due some great smooth times ahead!
    Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ‘ oh no, She’s up! Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Forgive quickly. God never said life would be easy. He just promised it would be worth it. I am only as strong as the tea I drink, the hair spray I use and the friends I have. Here’s to you!!

    You will get over this hiccup and it will make you stronger.xxx

    Reply

    • Bronwen Hopkins
      Feb 10, 2012 @ 02:33:15

      Life can be so unfair sometimes and you certainly have had more than your share of bad luck, but please stay strong and fight this cancer. You can beat it. Stay positive. Big hugs to you Ellie xx

      Reply

  2. Elisa
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:03:58

    and you call this “moaning”?
    Ellie, dear, this post is so full of strength, courage and inspiration that I’m going to read it again everytime I feel like giving up and staying in bed all day.
    You are a winner, lady!
    (but again..bad choice of tv programmes!!! please switch to something funnier!!!)

    Elisa xxx

    Reply

  3. Ann
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:04:45

    Ellie Dear,

    You have a strong spirit to go through all that you have gone through. But please, please watch happy, uplifting movies. Comedy. Do not allow yourself to be exposed to any negative movies, news, people, etc. Your body and mind are joined together. I read somewhere (don’t know if it’s true) that one man cured his cancer by watching comedy/funny uplifting movies nonstop. Couldn’t hurt, could it? I am praying for your quick recovery and happiness again. — Ann in Chicago

    Reply

  4. tracie carter
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:05:11

    So sorry to read your last post. They say what you think about your bring about…so no matter how bad you feel try and think positively and try and think about good think, I know easy for me to say, but it really does work. Good things start to happen. Please Try and read the book The Secret or The Power by Rhonda Byrne…..it is so easy to read I will willingly send you my copy, but so many people have used this technique and got well or overcome great adversities.

    Keep going girl we are all right behind you…..You are just fantastic……x

    Reply

  5. karen
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:08:04

    Thinking of you and hope things begin to get a bit better for you. Try to stay strong and positive, xxxx

    Reply

  6. tracie carter
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:15:18

    Sorry to leave you another post but the lady above mine Ann – she is also I believe referring to The Secret…..I had not seen her post until I wrote my last post and submitted it. You have to surround yourself with movies and books that make you laugh, nothing sad. Remember what you said in your earlier posts when you meditated and thought positive your veins were better. Well what you don’t know is you did that, you already convinced your body and it responded. Your brain and your body cannot differentiate between what is real and what is perceived, that is a medical fact, so when you meditate and believe that your veins are strong and healthy, your body via your mind, kick in and make your veins strong and healthy. You have already proved that yourself – you saw that happen before your eyes. The lady is right above, there have been lots of documented cases where people have cured themselves by using the method in the Secret – please re-consider and give it a go. It cannot help and if it makes you laugh and bring about happiness then that has got to be a sure thing.

    Eat the things that make you happy, say as you eat it I am so happy eating this food it is making me happy and nourishing me and see the difference in a couple of days. I used to feel guilty eating chocolate and crisps, I would always tell myself off and moan about putting on weight I used to put on weight, I started thanking the food and appreciating it and laughing and being happy whilst I ate it and I kid you not I’ve lost a stone since christmas and I feel happy. Don’t deprive yourself of anything in the position you are in. Do anything and everything that makes you happy, and see how quickly your body responds. Hugs xxxx

    Reply

  7. Rae
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:17:23

    I’m so sorry. I wish I could do something for you. And don’t feel bad for feeling sorry for yourself, everyone is allowed to once in awhile and now is definitely your turn. I still feel a lot of hope for you and I hope at any minute things will turn around. And seriously, if you need anything, you should let us know.

    Reply

  8. Fiona M
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:18:46

    …but you’re still sharing it with us all and that in itself must be pretty cathartic? A humbling post Miss Ellie. I don’t know how you do it, but I’m full of admiration for your courage.

    Reply

  9. Becoming herself
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:26:45

    You have nothing to apologise for and have every right to tell it as it is. Your underlying determination and shining spirit are still apparent. I hope you will soon be telling us that the trial is not delayed. Sending you all good thoughts and kind wishes across the ether…

    Reply

  10. Sharon
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:27:23

    You can put a positive spin on this. They have you on heparin for the next 6 months, that puts you through your wedding and on to August! Have faith in yourself and to your future in health and happiness….

    Reply

  11. Natalie
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:35:42

    I get knocked down…BUT I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down x x

    Reply

  12. Jane
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:38:26

    hi Ellie

    I am sorry to hear about your port problems. I had a friend who had an identical problem to yours unfortunately it seems to be not that unusual.

    My two cents – I doubt that hocus pocus like the Secret could help improve your fantastic outlook in any way, or teach you anything about a good positive attitude or the need to laugh. Just keep doing what you are doing, BUT don’t put pressure on yourself to always be positive and happy. It’s okay to cry, you know. That’s what’s called perspective, and it is important to deal with the emotion not block it or cover it. I personally found it cathartic to watch some sad films whilst I was being treated. (I have also found that I am much more empathetic than I used to be!!!)

    Best wishes – Jane

    Reply

    • Tracie carter
      Feb 10, 2012 @ 02:11:55

      I bet ur a sceptic because you have never read it !!! I actually have got a lot of help from it and i personally know lots of people who have also. Thats righ encourage Ellie to lay in bed and watch sad movies and get depressed……thats really helpful…..cant you see shes crying out to heard and needs uplifting help, she herself wrote how meditation helped her previously, im sorry but you are not being helpful more of a hindurance to her, please dont knock anything as hocus pocus, its a proven fact that the power of thought and the mind can work wonders, no one was ever cured by watching depressive movies shame on you

      Reply

      • Jane
        Feb 12, 2012 @ 22:30:46

        Hi Tracie

        I think you may have misunderstood what I was saying. I was not suggesting Ellie lie in bed and cry and watch sad movies. I was simply saying (a) she already has a great attitude and (b) it’s okay to cry every now and then and (c) she should not feel under pressure to be positive all the time . I believe in the power of the mind and I do a lot of meditation. And I have had cancer do I know a bit of what Ellie is going through.

        And I have read the Secret. Surely we can agree to disagree without being rude!

  13. Jules Hume
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:40:55

    Yet again, extremely insightful and honest, Ellie…staying positive after a horrible episode like that must be a real drain…I imagine a good old sweary rant and a bit of a cry is much more therapeutic sometimes. I sincerely hope things become brighter for you soon and everything goes well with the trials.

    Peace and love…..Jules xxx

    Reply

  14. Rob
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:41:18

    Sending you love and prayers Ellie. I’m into church these days incase you thought the prayers part a bit weird! Hope to see you both soon xxx

    Reply

  15. Laura P
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:42:15

    Hiya Ellie, so sorry to hear about life dealing you more blows. I’ll do some reiki and send it your way. If you want, I can ask my Reiki group to send you some over the next month? (it can be sent from a distance). Let me know if you do (it can only be sent if the person wants it and I need your date and place of birth). I think about you often, hoping you’re being dealt lots of good blows which i’m sure you are but the bad ones often overshadow the other ones. Keep fighting it Ellie, we’re all behind you, thinking of you. And i totally agree with the theory of surrounding yourself with positivity! My friend writes on this blog, it’s great and very positive: http://www.elephantjournal.com/
    What we can conceive and believe, we can acheive! Lots and lots and lots of love xxxxx

    Reply

  16. jocransome@googlemail.com
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:44:08

    Have a moan – you deserve it. But stay strong x

    Reply

  17. Caroline Orlando
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:44:31

    Ellie, I will keep you in my prayers.

    Reply

  18. Lisa McBurnie
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:52:31

    Hi Ellie, I’m once again gobsmacked at how brave and inspirational you are. Other folk get down for the least wee thing and you are saying you are not being strong and positive at all life throws at you. You are and I thank you for sharing your posts with us. Stay strong xx

    Reply

  19. Annie Walkace
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:53:48

    Ellie
    I hate it that you and Tom are missing out on adventures.
    We have a place in Nerja Spain with can be ready for you to use anytime you wish.
    Think about sunshine, sangria and all just 2 hours away.
    Wish I could make it better for you all in so
    Many other ways.
    Please contact me, our offer is honest and sent with true respect to your wonderful streangth.
    Ax

    Reply

  20. stitch this
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:53:48

    …but I DO get up again. This is all in the past, what’s important is now and the future. Keep going. You sound so strong, even if you don’t feel it now.

    Reply

  21. Eileen
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:53:50

    Hi Ellie,

    I’ve been following for a while but never commented as my words fall short of the feelings stirred up in me by your words. But on reading todays post I felt compelled to simply say “Have faith, I have faith in you”

    Sent with hugs & all the positivity I can muster. Also thank you for continuing to share

    Reply

  22. Peter
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 21:54:39

    As always, all my love petal xxx

    Reply

  23. Claire
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 22:04:55

    Ellie tears once again for you. I send all my love to you. Big hugs to your mum xxx

    Reply

  24. Mrs Smiles
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 22:09:27

    Oh Ellie. That a pile of absolute turd – there’s no two ways about it. You must at times really feel at the absolute end if your bloody tether. I’m sure you’ve heard it before but ‘this too shall pass’ and soon you’ll be that happy shining Ellie we’ve all seen in your pictures. When I’ve meditated recently I’ve sent positive thoughts your way – that sounds horrendously new aged and, let’s face it, a bit weird…but you never know. X

    Reply

  25. jeannine
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 22:12:55

    You vent as much as you want we are all here to listen!! Its astounding how well you pick yourself up. So what if you cry a bit damned sure I would too! But you’re still here still living with your wonderful man by your side. Hope you have a better week now and know that we are all supporting you even if we’ve not met. You’re a fighter and doing better than most would. ** look forward to your next blog which will show us things are better I hope. J

    Reply

  26. Sally Chesson
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 22:18:01

    Ellie, there is no reason on this earth why you should apologise for voicing how you feel.Just do it as often as you want to, and when you want to. We have so much admiration for you.
    We are learning so much from you.Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us. We wish you sweet dreams and a comfortable night. Sally & James x

    Reply

  27. Helen Foulds
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 22:25:01

    Oh Ellie what bloody rotten luck. Not at all fair and you have every right to a good grumble any time you want to!!! I’m just hoping that bad luck comes in threes so you’ve now had your fill and things will pick up. John O’Farrell wrote a fairy entertaining book entitled “things can only get better” and in your case that must be true. Sending you positive vibes xxxxxxxx

    Reply

  28. Lora
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 22:27:50

    Excuse my language Ellie but FOR FUCKS SAKE! You need a goddam break!! You can do it though, I know you can! Lots of love as always sweetheart xxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  29. Dave Hollingdale
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 22:28:37

    Hi Ellie Read your post young un and despite your take on positivity you still come shining through. truth spoken from the heart is always emotional but you take it head on and I am sure you command so much admiration. Your nearest and dearest also warrant congratulations from us mere mortals.
    I cannot begin to think where you get your bravery. I have a friend who is so ill and he displays much the same qualities as you. I feel Ellie you know that you will come through this your fight is a tremendous example to us all. Thank you.
    Take Care Dave

    Reply

  30. Emma G
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 22:49:23

    Thank you for the insight to how positive you can still be when you have gone through so much. Im a nurse in the north east uk and work on a vascular ward, and can appreciate your insight into being a patient in opa ward! It shames me when I read your story to have moaned about mundane things that have happened lately, nothing compares, not even close. I’m sending you a big virtual hug, if only we had magic wands sometimes. Whatever the plan is, and I do believe there is one for all us, it has made you who you are today and affected every reader of your blog. Xxxxx

    Reply

  31. Kim Lask
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 22:52:02

    Lovely lovely Ellie, wishing there was something I could say to make you feel better right now. But looks like from the last line of your recent post you’re already doing that for yourself. As always you continue to be in my thoughts and I’m praying for you every night.
    Lots of love
    Kim
    X

    Reply

  32. Ysabel
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 23:02:47

    Hola Ellie,

    You are so strong, I can feel your positive side it all the way to Canada.
    If someone can win this race that person is you!!!
    Love and kisses to you.

    Reply

  33. Chloe Greene
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 23:15:52

    Am rooting for you Ellie. It’s been bloody shitty by the sound of it. But you’re home now and can build strength again. And will build strength again. xx

    Reply

  34. Sharon Mulhall
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 23:18:32

    You poor thing, moan all you want, you r going through the wars. Hopefully u will come through the other side…. The Victor. :-)
    Sharon
    Dublin

    Reply

  35. Lulu Du Toit
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 23:22:57

    Ellie I am sorry to hear you are having a hiccup – but I know and more importantly deep down you know this is just another hiccup and you will rise and soar again!! A dear friend of mine is also battling this bastard disease and we have started a page on facebook for her – Toni’s Healing Chuckle Buddies. The principle being that laughter is truely the best medicine and each day we ensure she has a few chuckles. I would like to invite you to join the group – maybe in the dark moments it could be your firefly:). Lulu xxx

    Reply

  36. Paul
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 23:29:30

    Ellie,
    First of all I and everyone else I am sure are here to know the truth, not just everytime you have a victory!
    You are merely expressing your feelings and as much as I want to read good news, it isn’t always going to happen, as my fellow compatriot Ronan Keating’s song says, “Life is a rollercoaster, you just got to ride it@ (ps not a big fan of eithe song or “artist”) but the lyrics are apt.
    I am here to get an insight into your journey on the rollercoaster. Right now its shite ports and all but as is the nature of the rollercoaster you will come up again!
    This is one step closer to a post that may go along the lines of..”GOT THE ALL CLEAR!”

    Sending you positive thoughts and this evening you and yours are firmly in mine

    Paul

    Reply

  37. Jo
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 23:32:30

    Ellie, you are so inspirational and brave. I read your posts as a daughter whose father has cancer and I find great comfort in reading what I know my dad is also going through (especially the horror stories of shared hospital wards-don’t get me started!)

    As everyone else has said, watch funny uplifting thinks like mr bean and puppies on YouTube.

    Stay strong.

    Sending you much love Ellie. Xoxo

    Reply

  38. ali x
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 23:37:04

    Honey feel free to moan…….we all get pissed off, although the things that piss me off are very minor compared to all the crappy things you have been through. Be strong…much love xx

    Reply

  39. Sue
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 23:47:54

    Big Hugs (((()))) Ellie. You have every right to feel pissed off after having that lot chucked at you so you moan all you want to, not that I call that moaning. Moaning is when someone drones on about nothing at all and you certainly don’t fall into that category!

    Lots of love to you and your amazing Tom,
    Sue xxx

    Reply

  40. lorraine
    Feb 09, 2012 @ 23:51:59

    I follow your words and your heartache. my sister cancer is terminal. I wanted to know how i can help her apart from offering help and being there. Its a helpless situation for me to watch her get worse. I admire you for just writing about your long hard journey. You are lucky with your lovely husband and family. I am keeping you in my prayers and thoughts. love x

    Reply

  41. ladyleftfieldlover
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 00:07:34

    Just thinking of you Ellie.

    Reply

  42. Marianna
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 00:19:55

    Through all your pain you maintain the ability to write so well Ellie…you are amazing and inspiring.
    Thinking of you,
    Marianna.

    Reply

  43. Ali
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 00:44:35

    I can’t believe you have even thought you might be moaning that you once again get delievered another blow. This is not moaning this is just being pissed off at the hand that has been unfairly dealt to you. If only you could see how your blog affects all of us that read it and make us all so humble and how we find you so amazing and inspiring, although it wouldn’t make it worth it, it may just push you back to the possitive when these negatives keep flying your way. Keep your chin up girl, you are achieveing amazing things and reaching people right where it matters. who’d of thought I would be sat in New Zealand,crying for my friend Phillippa’s, friend who I have never met. You write amazingly and I wait avaidly for the next post in hope you get given a break soon, no scratch that, immediatly
    Good luck

    Reply

  44. Gary
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 01:06:42

    sending you the warmest most positive thoughts Ellie. You moan as much as you like, you are still amazing. Gary X

    Reply

  45. Jan
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 01:15:47

    Ellie, was soooo upset for you… wanted to give you a great big hug, Ok maybe the great big one is not a good idea re shitty port!! Do hope putting pen to paper has helped you vent your deserved anger. Willing things to settle down for you now, and you forge ahead with the trials. Keep strong my lovely, sending lots of positive vibes your way, as always,
    Jan xxxx

    Reply

  46. Ellen
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 01:19:14

    First: hugs and kisses to you Ellie Bene Vita. Second: you go girl! Keep kicking ass! Love you from afar…….actually by New York!! Ellen to Ellie.

    Reply

  47. jen
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 02:07:22

    I first heard about your story Ellie from my daughter, who is a friend of lisa! (girl who shaved your hair!) I looked at your blog and was hooked!!! You are the same age as lisa and my daughter, and come from the same area!
    Northern girls are made of strong stuff! I got a annoyed tonight looking through the comment’s! why shouln’t you watch what you want to! everyone is talking about that program!!! ffs isn’t it a part of life!? and sorry if i am wrong but you are telling your story because you want to, are you ment to hide yourself away from real life?

    Reply

  48. Sally King
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 02:38:05

    Praying for you. Big Hug!! (not too tight.) Loves.

    Reply

  49. Mimi
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 04:47:45

    It’ all so unfair, Ellie, and really you’re not moaning!
    All I can do is wish you even more courage and resilience than the bucket load you already have. And remember that nothing is written. The body has incredible healing abilities, your youth is on your side for this, as is your spirit.
    Good vibes from down under, as always.
    xxx

    Reply

  50. Ntokozo
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 07:43:19

    & here I was crying last week because I failed an exam, totally forgot that they are people who are going through serious things (feel so selfish). You are the most positive person I’ve ever come across, we all have those times when you just feel like giving up, but that’s how life works, you just need to go back to your positive attitude again, you have so many people routing & praying for you! All the best hey

    PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE……STOP WATCHING SAD MOVIES :-) Try stand up comedy or anything funny

    Reply

  51. Rosie Butler
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 08:34:07

    Dear Ellie

    it is shit…. so much shit there has to be a pony around somwehere !

    however bad it feels, looks, and tastes, a week can make a big difference – but a week can seem an eternity away

    so you get there through small steps … do what brings you the greatest comfort, hold a hand, be close, sleep, the body has amazing strength and so too does the human spirit – it will lighten our darkest moments even if we can’t feel its presence… just as I held my own daughter through such times I am holding you close …. just breathe… this too will pass

    much love and fairy hugs

    Rosie Butler

    Reply

  52. Andy Hunt
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 09:24:06

    Dear Ellie,

    It’s a crap situation to be in and no mistake. Lots of people are trying their best to give you helpful advice (sometimes contradictory).

    As far as I can see there is no “right way” to handle this situation.

    Keep doing what you’re doing, take the advice that makes sense to you and ignore the rest (I suspect that’s what you are doing anyway).

    Thank you for your honesty and clarity, *that* makes a difference.

    Good luck and our very best wishes,

    Andy & Karen

    Reply

  53. Jane
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 09:48:18

    You should not apologise for moaning. If you didn’t moan after all this, there would definitely be something wrong with you.

    I think about you a lot and if thoughts can help, I do hope that you know that there are lots and lots of people wishing you the best, and I for one, am sending you a great, big telepathic hug.

    Take care

    Jane

    Reply

  54. Clare
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 10:21:41

    Thinking of you Ellie, and thank you for finding the strength to still share your news with us, even though you are feeling down. “There’s no such thing as your fair share of bad luck” – how true that is …. such a cruel disease, and so totally random and unfair. I really hope you get some good stuff coming your way soon and that the trial goes ahead. Hang on in there xx

    Reply

  55. Becki
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 10:35:43

    There is a time to laugh and there is a time to cry.

    As much as positivity is a great thing and we should all try to be as positive as possible, we would not be human if we did not shed a tear now and again, especially when going through all you are Ellie.

    This is a blog where you share your experiences and how you feel so you should NEVER feel guilty about having a “Moan” as you put it (which I certainly dont think you are moaning). Having positive and negative times makes us human Ellie and you should never feel guilty for that.

    On the plus side – it seems doctors are now thinking a lot more long term – telling you that you will need injections for the next six months!!!

    Things will get better, I am sure of it.

    Keep going sweetheart xxx

    Reply

  56. Mojo
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 11:19:55

    Ellie
    You can feel free to moan, rant, swear, scream and shout as much as you like, you are deep among friends here who want to love and support you in any way we can.
    We’ve got your back girl… so you concentrate on looking forward xx

    Much love to you and your wonderful Tom x

    Reply

  57. Pam Gotham
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 11:24:02

    Dear Ellie
    You and Tom are cherished. Your experience is unique, as was mine and Paul’s, but love is universal. We send ours to you. Pam xx

    Reply

  58. Lucy
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 11:45:48

    I think you deserve a good moan!! You are an inspiration to other women. I hope with all my heart you are well and have a head full of hair for your wedding. Thank heavens for your Tom he sounds like an angel. My prayers are with you Ellie. This is just a setback in proceedings and I’m sure the coming weeks will be much more positive.
    Best wishes. X

    Reply

  59. Justine
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 11:57:33

    And I thought I was having a bad day! You moan all you want Ellie, moan and rage and spitt and bite against these horrible setbacks! And when you have, I know, from reading your posts and feeling like I kindof know you, that you’ll get right back up on that horse and carry on the good fight! I know we’re strangers, but you are such an inspiration to me. So much so, I’ve decided to drastically re-invent my life! I’m chucking in my job, posting the keys of my house back to the bank and hitting the road in my Camper Van! Life is all in the here and now! So you have a good old moan, and then get right back to kicking that Cancer in it’s big ugly ass!

    Reply

  60. Alan Charnock
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 12:26:39

    Moan all you want its your right plus just remember: I get knocked down, but i get up again, youre never gonna keep me down, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LODkVkpaVQA

    Reply

  61. Joy
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 12:40:52

    Ellie, you put me to shame! I’ve had a ‘down’ week and can’t seem to get my positive energy back. Then I read what you’ve been going through, and my situation is nothing compared to yours! You have a right to moan…it’s just not fair! Sending you my love & prayers for good things to happen. xxx

    Reply

  62. Ann
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 12:55:20

    Dear Ellie, I’ve just read your update from yesterday. There are no words I can give to make things better for you as you are dealing with such sh.t right now. I don’t know what you must be feeling but you touched me with your pain and I just wanted to say I feel for you. Right now though, you have no alternative; while you are still breathing, there is hope. I sincerely hope you are able to reach right down into yourself and find your strength which has been there all along. I had to have my port out because it got infected, I also had three infections and couldn’t have chemo in spite of my cancer being aggressive – that was in 2007. I am now waiting for breast reconstruction and my suffering seems such a long while ago, even though I have to wear a sleeve for lymphodaema and suffer bad arthritis in my back and leg – its peanuts in comparison to what you are going through – you have given me strength to deal with my day today so you are a very valuable human being even if you are down right now. Get up girl, cuddle yourself, pat yourself on the back and reach out to your loved ones who are routing for you. I look forward to reading your next instalment with a glimmer of hope on your part, but not today. Ann x (nutcracker)

    Reply

  63. Pauline
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 13:50:54

    Dear Ellie – I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you today, having just read your post of all the pain and sadness you have been through recently. Now you are home, be kind to yourself and snuggle up warm and watch some good dvd’s, read some wonderful books, eat nourishing….and yummy foods – and know that all the places you have missed and planned visiting are there waiting for you in the future, when things are brighter and more positive of recent. Love and good thoughts, Pauline xxx

    Reply

  64. Deirdre
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 16:10:07

    Hi Ellie
    I watched that episode of call the midwife too. What struck me was how far we have come in terms of medical advancement. I had the same condition when I was pregnant and while it was serious there was no real concern because the treatment is now so successful. So, on the positive side, who is to say that the trial you are going to take part in won’t have the same effect for you in your treatment? Your positivity shines through in all your postings, no matter how dreadful your week has been and to have a ‘down’ moment might seem weak to you, but to me it just underpins that you really are a super woman because you dust yourself down and keep on fighting. Remember the 14th Feb is your last Valentines Day as a single woman!! Get that Tom of yours to spoil his girlfriend rotten!!!
    Take Care
    Deirdre

    Reply

  65. DEBORAH MORGAN-SMITH...........Surrey
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 16:16:47

    I read your entry last night and haven’t felt able to send you a message until now. Uncharacteristically, I simply can’t find the words that seem appropriate for your most recent setback. I may not have the words but I certainly feel your pain, your despair, your anxiety, and your anger……..having been in your place myself, nearly TEN YEARS AGO!!! Yes, there they are, THE WORDS, all you need to read from me is TEN YEARS AGO.
    I continue to pray for you and your loved ones every night, and I shall do so for the next 10yrs, and beyond, if that’s what it takes!!
    Lots of Hugs
    XXXX

    Reply

  66. Mrs Richards
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 17:44:03

    Sending love, light and happiness, and wishing with all my might that you feel better. I think Deirdre and Deborah before me make some really good points. Not a lot I can say, but I’m always listening and thinking of you. And if it’s belly laughs you need try Stepbrothers…film with Will Ferrell in it – hilarious, if nothing more you’ll just start saying random quotes to Tom from it, always good value xxxx

    Reply

  67. theapie
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 18:02:01

    Dear Ellie,

    I was so saddened to read about your latest struggle. I pray that God will send an angel to strengthen you, just as He promises He will if you ask. As always, I pray for healing and peace for you and your loved ones.

    Reply

  68. Lauren
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 18:08:56

    Ellie,

    I have followed your blog for a while and at the risk of repeating what everyone has said already, your strength and positivity shine through in your writing. Don’t apologise for moaning – I’ve known people to moan far more about much less. You have to deal with this in whatever way works for you.

    We’re all rooting for you and hoping for some better news soon. Stay strong.

    Reply

  69. lorly
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 18:25:14

    Trying to find the right words to say is hard, but you always find the right words to convey how it is for you, so I just want to say that I am thinking of you, and know that if anyone can get through this, you can, and you will, setbacks pave the way for comebacks, and you will get through this, amazing how you just book stuff to do no matter how you feel, you probably get more done than most people, feeling how you are feeling, I wish I could do something to help you, in the absence of that, I am sending you a hug and posting because I think it is important that you know how many people are wishing you well, many many more than comment, I am sure about that, there are so many people out there rooting for you, me included :-)xxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  70. Laura S
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 19:22:02

    Really sorry to hear this Ellie, that is absolutely shit. Thinking and praying for you.

    Reply

  71. Linda Ann McCrea
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 19:25:43

    Dear Ellie,
    It seems just one thing after another &another have been thrown at you healthwise ! I`m so very sorry .
    Rob, Pete &Anne Walkace sent such lovely, simple expressions of genuine care and love.I don`t know Rob but he appears to have found solace in church and that is good . Another warrior in God`s army to fight and pray for you, his friend.
    You shall see and visit Israel Israel as well as New York .Israel is lovely with beautiful sights, smells,food, culture etc .
    Ellie you may feel this struggle is hard, unyielding and continual.
    I`m not in your shoes and so can only try to understand the rollercoaster of emotions Tom,yourself and respective families have envisaged in your young life.

    Can I just add that hospital staff should learn about psychological toll of shipping people in and out of side rooms. It is tantamount to cruelty to uproot patients from the privacy of a side cubicle out to the mad melee of a main ward without consent! .Heartless!!.
    You will get to write a book/ memoirs with helpful lessons for professionals involved in care of people and families with cancer .
    Better to have had these port complications early and not in the midst of your drug trial, I`ll say . I have faith you will get strong and you shall get on this trial no matter what obstacles have loomed on horizon .
    My best regards to special Tom your husband -to -be . The future is yours &Tom`s to embrace.
    With Love, Blessings, Hugs, skips&jumps ,high fives and prayers for a mighty miracle.
    Yours
    Linda :Belfast

    Reply

  72. Lucas Green
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 19:55:24

    If I ever wanted someone on my side in a fight Ellie, it would be you. We are all well and truly on yours. Big up and massive respect. Lucas x

    Reply

  73. Julie E
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 20:48:33

    Well I realise its no consolation to you Ellie but I was feeling like crap all week wondering has the cancer come back………….. will I be Ok…. blah blah blah. Your post made me realise that I need to be thankfull that so far so Ok and who knows whats round the corner. It sounds corny I know but I wish I could make it all OK for you. Cancer is shit! However I will be sending you lots of positive thoughts and sending you some good cosmic rays! Take care.

    Reply

  74. grahaemep
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 22:47:05

    Oh Ellie, You’re perfectly entitled to have a moan. You’ve lifted so many hearts with your positivity in the past, despite so many setbacks, you’d have to be superhuman to not feel the need to tell the world “It’s so unfair” now and again.

    My prayers go out for you (I know you’re not convinced about that, but I am, and it can’t harm you can it?)

    I’m sure that you’ll bounce back up again, both physically and mentally.

    In the meantime just hang in there, and don’t beat yourself up for feelng down.

    Love and God bless,

    Grahaeme.

    Reply

  75. Clare
    Feb 10, 2012 @ 23:30:07

    Right there with you Eliie! I was in positive frame of mind ready for next bout of new chemo when wham, emergency dental treatment and a collapsed lung! Am now stuck in hospital with a chest draIn.

    Things will get better again but at times like this it is just too hard to imagine. Sending you and the wonderful Tom all my love and empathy.

    Reply

  76. Philippa
    Feb 11, 2012 @ 02:33:07

    Hello Ellie! I am commenting because although I always read your blog (and have commented once before now!) I know you said everyone’s supportive comments help you to “pick yourself off the ground” and muster positivity. I’m 26 years old and can relate to your experiences of hospital stays due to having an autoimmune disorder that has required such stays (plus plenty of injections at times!) You’re right that (1) It doesn’t help to be young and be surrounded by mostly sick, elderly people (no offence to them but it kind of just emphasises the feeling that it isn’t fair and you shouldn’t be here), and (2) One of the worst things about the hospital experience, strange as it seems, IS when they put you in a shared room/ ward for multiple patients, for long stays. Sure, it might seem “convenient” for nurses to have all their patients clustered together to be checked on – but the psychological effect of being surrounded by sick people; not really having privacy; being able to overhear others’ visitors, conversations, and bodily functions at times; and never really feeling like you can just relax and be comfortable is NOT GOOD! I don’t know why that simple fact isn’t understood more and acted on more, once I went into hospital for a stay and was put into a shared room with an elderly woman who used a bedpan instead of the toilet, even though a lot of the rooms were empty – I asked why and it was because the nurses wanted their patients to be clustered in the one area. I thought that was pretty stupid.

    ANYWAY enough about me. I have read all the comments and it looks like everyone’s heart is in the right place, although the advice differs. I am of the school of thought that you shouldn’t ever be made to feel guilty for your natural feelings which are going to emerge regardless of whether you are being pressured to “be positive” or not – you will either be suppressing/ disallowing those feelings in an effort to “be positive”, or allowing them out and eventually moving on. I think you are very, very resilient even though you never chose to have to show your “resilience” in this way. I have faith that you will “get up again” eventually but I would be feeling very low too with these latest developments. You can never predict what will happen – some people would rave about how convenient the port is, how much it helped with their treatment – other people will experience problems and regret the port. I think you made the best decision you could at the time. Injections are traumatic but I think a lot of the hatred of them is psychological, at least for me, so I think by employing psychological tactics (e.g., downplaying the injections, focusing on other things when you have to have them, and not dwelling on the long-term need for them but taking it day by day) may help.

    Ellie, this is your blog, use it in any way you like and know that there are thousands of people who know about you, support you and keep you in their thoughts. Bad times DO tend to cluster together in my experience so I hope your “cluster of good times” happens ASAP! I recommend “Extras”, “The Big Bang Theory” and “Curb Your Enthusiasm” as funny, uplifting series – if you haven’t already seen them!

    Reply

  77. laylalayla
    Feb 11, 2012 @ 08:26:51

    $%£^! %**&(££”!! ****!!! ****!!!! ****!!!!
    You get the jist. I so hoped the port would work for you.
    So what now?
    You have a peaceful, restful weekend. I hope there are beautiful clouds in the sky to comfort you. I hope the sun dances off snow.
    Spoil yourself with whatever you want to eat and drink. Watch chewing gum on TV. Rest, rest, rest.
    On Monday, you will find the strength to fight again. You will. Oh, yes you will.
    You can do it. We are all willing you on.

    Reply

  78. Catherine
    Feb 11, 2012 @ 09:58:24

    You are just so so special! You inspire me to believe in myself and life and I really wish for you just success and total happiness…The WORLD needs people exactly like you. Thank you Ellie xxxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  79. Parisbird
    Feb 11, 2012 @ 11:06:50

    Hey there Ellie
    just want you to know that I am thinking of you and what an unbelievably horrible and scarey time you are going through – it’s ok to rant , you are only human. Suggest you use bbciplayer and watch Mock the week ( its a repeat , but I hope it will make you laugh out loud) ps plan a trip to paris , you very welcome to stay with me and my husband( that sounds soooo grown up ) in Versaillesxx

    Reply

  80. Louise Thomas
    Feb 11, 2012 @ 17:18:36

    Hi Ellie. You may not remember me. I’m Ali Thomas’s sister, Louise (we played together when we were little). Just want to say how brave i think you are being. I read your blog and couldnt believe how strong and utterly incredible you are. lLfe throws curve balls all the time but you just gotta keep slogging em back. Makes you wonder what its all about doesnt it? It doesnt mean much in the grand scheme of things, I know, but I wish you all the luck in the world. Keep on fighting. (And moan all you bloddy want, you have a right to!) xxx

    Reply

  81. Heather MacQueen
    Feb 11, 2012 @ 20:03:45

    Keep going girl, the only way is up:-) Thinking about you all the time as I am sure millions of other’s are too.

    Hope that helps. x

    Reply

  82. Heather MacQueen
    Feb 12, 2012 @ 00:50:09

    Hello again Ellie. I spent all morning thinking about you. (I am in Japan) I have attached a video clip that always helps me when I lack motivation. I hope it does the same for you.

    You are a strong women, never forget that. You have come so far so don’t let “the fucking cancer” get you down. Change the meaning it has for you. Try not to think about it as a punishment. Try to think about it as a journey to help other people and make you stronger.

    Watch funny movies, they will make you laugh. I am sure you have had enough crying to last you a lifetime. If only it was possible to bear someone’s pain for a day and give them a break. I would gladly do that as I am sure others would too.

    They say that if we put all the troubles of the world together and distributed them out equally, we could gladly take our own back. After reading what is going on in your life, I am not sure what to think…..

    Keep your strength up, we are all there fighting with you in spirit.

    Reply

  83. Rachel
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 00:38:48

    Oh Ellie,that’s rubbish for you. Please don’t ever feel you shouldn’t tell us how low you’re feeling, you have been dealt more than your fair share of crap and just deserve some good luck. I think and pray for you so often and send you all my love.xx. ps. Will be praying for some good health and that you get to do some fun things you want to do.xx

    Reply

  84. Cindy May
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 04:50:34

    Hi Ellie – I came across your posts recently and you may think me nuts but… have you ever read about hemp oil curing all sorts of cancers? It’s not getting stoned and smoking the stuff but rather ingesting it. There are many terminal paitents that credit there recovery to this. I will post the links and leave it to you to investigate, what do you have to lose? Here is a little extract:
    “Rick Simpson marks 8 years of his miraculous discovery, disclosure and spread of information concerning the miraculous cure in the form of oil that is obtained from hemp plant – oil that cures almost all serious diseases like cancer, lymphoma, sarcoma, leukemia, Crohn’s disease, osteoporosis, arthritis, asthma, multiple sclerosis, ulcers , burns, psoriasis, AIDS, diabetes, depression, hemorrhoids, blood and eye pressure, regulation of body weight, chronic pain, migraine, mutated cells (polyps, warts, tumors), insomnia, scars …

    Having cured himself of metastatic skin cancer 8 years ago, and subsequently many others from all over the spectrum of various serious and incurable illnesses, Rick has devoted his time to further research the oil, expanding public awareness and seeking the truth …”

    http://phoenixtears.ca/
    or watch the seminar
    http://phoenixtears.ca/articles/croatia-seminar-and-discussion/

    All the very best with your recovery!

    Reply

  85. Adrienne Ross (David's Mum)
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 10:48:20

    So sorry to hear of your setback. Thinking of you and Tom often. I am amazed at your fighting spirit throughout your ups and downs, and wish you good fortune for the next stage of the battle. Lots of love to you both. XXX

    Reply

  86. Kim
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 18:18:57

    Hi Ellie
    I have been meaning to send you a message for ages now. I am a friend of Fran P & she put us in touch. You are one amazing person! Having been through many years of the big C losing my mum & dad & then hubby being diagnosed with Leukemia it’s enough to say God give us a break. Well funny enough today my hubby & son & I went out for a anniversary lunch celebrating 3 years since his 2nd stem c transplant. He has been to hell & back many times. But got through all the shitty times together how but we did. Hoped & prayed many times. So know what it’s like re port as he had Hickman line & then relplaced it many times for many reasons. Hubby had it all you name it ( blood p, pneumonia, relapse after 2 years which is rare but got through 2nd transplant stronger than the the 1st time. Funny having your blood taken by a nurse/doctor who knows what they doing is just amazing. One phlebotomist he knew Ira was an angel, first time everytime with zero pain. The one thing that kept h going was the amazing view from his Hosp bed window (top floor Royal free. All hosp should have windows & views for state of mind. Depending on which room gave you a diff view. One point he sent the psch therapist marching as she focused on the negatives. Believe me that view kept him going. I shall shut up now! Us northerners hey. Hubby from Southshields. Geordie! You are one inspiration. Super women In our prayers everyday. Lots love x

    Reply

  87. Nikki Smith
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 21:01:16

    Hi Ellie, I’ve been reading your blog ever since Stephen Fry tweeted about it. Just wanted to say how much I admire your courage in fighting this horrible thing, and writing about it to give others the inspiration to do the same. No-one can say what is round the corner for anyone in life but hang in there, and keep going. I hope March’s post brings better news & a bit of that much deserved good luck!! Keep positive!! Lots of love to you & Tom xxxx

    Reply

  88. Emma
    Feb 13, 2012 @ 23:20:50

    Ellie- thinking of you and praying for you. You’re a great girl and you will come through this, emmaxx

    Reply

  89. kerry
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 04:19:06

    Come on Ellie, You’re bigger than this….Its February, everybody’s had enough of Winter..but finally the snow drops have arrived, Spring is nearly with us. You need some light and sunshine for your poor battered little body, but most of all to re-fuel that irrepressible, indomitable will of yours! With all my love and strength to you today.Kerry.

    Reply

  90. Joanne
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 10:21:11

    Hi Ellie,
    Can’t imagine how tough this is for you, I was in tears just reading this, praying that you feel better in time for the trial, Lots of Love Joanne xxxxxxxx

    Reply

  91. sarah
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 18:35:00

    Hey Ellie,
    A youngish fellow SBC patient here so I know exactly how you are feeling, I have not had the unfortunate experience with the port so far and by the sounds of it I don’t want it, it sucks big time and it is so very hard too stay positive especially when you get bonus shit thrown at you, life with this cancer crap is hard enough without port problems, go on go ahead and have a good old moan/cry get it out of your system then you might feel like picking yourself up in a couple of day’s time and if you don’t so fucking what, that’s how I feel I think everyone has got the message that saying things like “you need to be more positive” or “you could get run over by a bus” is probably the worst thing someone can say when you are dealing with this cancer shit, it’s easy too say those words but so different when your actually dealing with it. The hospital experience sounds a bit like mine its so horrible sharing a ward with strange sick people, when they offered me my own room, I was like get me outta here and quick.

    Wanted you too know that I am thinking of you, anytime you want a chat please feel free to email me (Unfortunately I think we have a lot in common).
    Sending you lots of hugs and love
    sarah xxxx

    Reply

  92. Claire Leng
    Feb 14, 2012 @ 21:57:24

    Hi Ellie
    Like everyone else before im really sorry to hear of the recent crap that you have been going through, it seems never ending doesnt it? Just so you know that you are not alone I have also recently been in hospital with this cancer shit, had a reaction to the chemo treatment and have also had some tumour growth so I can relate to how you are feeling, but we have to pick ourselves up and continue with the fight (whatever you want to call it) you have to much to live for. Im sending you lots of love and positivity, you will get over this hurdle, keep going girl!
    Lots of love and hugs
    Claire xx

    Reply

  93. DEBORAH MORGAN-SMITH...........Surrey
    Feb 15, 2012 @ 16:00:50

    Yesterday I went to the church that I’ve been attending for 30yrs. I hope you don’t mind Ellie but I wrote your name on the Healing List, which is read out during every service. There are 3 services per week in an always packed church, so the energy of many people will be praying for you.XXX

    Reply

  94. Lesley Beeton
    Feb 15, 2012 @ 16:29:43

    Dear Ellie

    There are so many people so grateful that you have the courage to share your story.

    Thank you.

    BW,
    Lesley x.

    Reply

  95. Joan Zia
    Feb 15, 2012 @ 21:59:30

    You are having such an awful time! But, nothing can crush you – you are so alive, so beautiful and so full of courage. Remember that, my dear friend.
    I pray for you and don’t forget you.
    God bless you. Love from Joan xxx

    Reply

  96. Carolyn
    Feb 16, 2012 @ 00:11:14

    Dear Ellie

    Buggering bugger! I have it on good authority that any port in itself even when planned and “uneventful” is hell on earth and hell on the body so *hugs*. The zoo of a general ward is only for the physically and mentally strong, so glad you are back home.

    Sending you a virtual trampoline for bouncing back on when you are ready and wishing you strong veins and desensitised injection sites too, and lots of love Carolyn xxx

    Reply

  97. Helen
    Feb 16, 2012 @ 19:19:14

    your strength inspires me. Don’t lose hope because that is your biggest ally right now. Go Ellie!!

    Reply

  98. Linda Austin
    Feb 17, 2012 @ 11:06:27

    Hi Ellie
    Terry’s Mum here, (literally this time). Terry has received his wedding invitation for June and showed me the hotel he has booked for the weekend. We googled it last night and the location for the wedding looks beautiful. It will be a fantastic day and the bride will outshine the venue. So don’t be down, ( although you have every right to be angry with everything at the moment). Look forward to that wonderful day when you marry the man you love. I asked Terry to take hundreds of photos of everything. (Men only usually take one or two, don’t they?). So I said ‘go snap happy’.
    You will come through this episode – just like you have everything else. You are beautiful and strong, and don’t forget that.
    I wish you a wonderful day.
    Linda xxx

    Reply

  99. Becki
    Feb 17, 2012 @ 18:35:34

    Ellie – I hope you’re OK – havent heard from you in a while xx

    Reply

  100. Cate
    Feb 18, 2012 @ 15:40:04

    Sorry this is a late reply. I hope things are on the way up, and you’re ticking along in better ways now. I’m thinking of you and sending the very best of everything your way. x

    Reply

  101. Helen
    Feb 18, 2012 @ 20:10:49

    Aaaarrrggghhh!!! What a total $#*£! I really hope by the time you read this reply things have got even slightly better, and preferably quite a bit more than slightly. Ellie, you write with such feeling and truth, you make me realise how incredibly lucky I am. Life is for living, whatever it throws at us, you are proving that you have the utmost determination and strength. My prayers and best wishes that you will be on the up very soon, love always
    Helen
    xxx

    Reply

  102. Karen
    Feb 19, 2012 @ 15:13:15

    Thinking of you Ellie and just wanted to say don’t dare apologise for venting your anger at this whole sorry state of events. By the way, I wouldn’t call it moaning; moaning is what well people do when something doesn’t quite go there way, and I include myself in that one! I think you’re an inspiration to us all and I send you and your loved ones all the love in the world. Keep fighting this bastard! xxxx :)

    Reply

  103. Ann Newman
    Feb 19, 2012 @ 16:31:52

    Ellie, your spirit is phenomenal and like everyone else before me, I agree that you should not think that you are moaning. Quite the opposite – you are fighting – just as you always do! I don’t know where you get the nous to do it. We would have all gone under long ago. Just keep it up with all the wonderful support of your Tom and all your family and all of us who read about you and respond to your massive courage. Love and hugs and strength. Ann x

    Reply

  104. Heather
    Feb 20, 2012 @ 22:02:27

    You’ve come so far Ellie – hang in there. Sending you lots of positive vibes x

    Reply

  105. jessica
    Feb 21, 2012 @ 11:11:53

    I’m waiting for the day you’ll blog about your magical wedding. :) Cos I know, I don’t know how, but I know you’ll win this fight.

    Reply

  106. Digby
    Feb 22, 2012 @ 10:31:24

    Your courage inspires. Good luck and keep battling. I think of you lots and hope so much that you have more victories and are given the peace and respite you need from time to time. You truly are an unbelievable woman, so brave and such a fighter. I want you to win more than anything. Keep going mate!!

    Reply

  107. Heather Prouse
    Jun 02, 2012 @ 15:53:14

    Such a sad day today. Ellie had a good send off there were some amazing strong people there. Earths loss Heavens gain. R.I.P xxx

    Reply

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