Things can only get better…


Big baldy, little baldy

It’s New Year’s Day and it seems appropriate that I should be planning a great escape of my own. I’ve been stuck in a hospital in Essex for three days now, which partly explains my delay in posting, but before I get to the whys and wherefores I need to rewind a couple of weeks.

After my last chemo of the year my dad kindly picked me up from London so I didn’t have to schlep across town to Kings Cross. Once I arrived home I finally met my beautiful nephew Gio and was spoilt rotten by my good friend Sarah whose house I was staying at as mum’s was full with my sister, her husband and the little one.

Sarah, Sam the elf and me

It was a relaxed, hassle free Christmas and lovely to spend time with my family as well as catching up with some old friends. Making the trip up north had been a big decision because it meant being apart from Tom, and as we all know from the previous doctors’ predictions this Christmas was supposed be my last, but as we’d all decided that was a big pile of shit I made the choice as if it were any other year.

On the 27th I travelled down to Tom’s mum’s in Essex but just a day later developed a fever of almost 40 degrees, leaving me shivering and suffering, but foolishly I assumed it was chemo side effects. This was completely stupid of me, as before I’d started Eribulin I’d been shown a DVD about the risks of getting a fever while on chemo, but Tom called the chemo hotline and we were advised to immediately go to A&E.

Despite the fact that I was feeling pretty rough, when we arrived at the local hospital I presumed I’d get IV antibiotics and be out of there the same night, but unfortunately that was not the case. I was diagnosed with neutropenic sepsis, the dangers of which were explained to us, so although I was pissed off to be in hospital I knew it was the right place for me.

I was moved to a spare bed on the plastics ward where I spent two nights feeling particularly sorry for myself, thinking about the things I wanted to be doing between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Yet Tom flouted all visiting hours and stayed with me from 10 in the morning until 11 at night, trying to keep my spirits up.

The nurses on plastics were lovely, but unfortunately one Senior House Officer decided to use me as a pin-cushion, despite my warning that I had terrible veins because of all the chemo.

“Maybe we should wait for the anaesthetist.’ I suggested after two failed, painful attempts. I had been promised that one would come up to specially to insert a cannula, due to their vein-finding skills. ‘Some chemo nurses can’t even find one’.

“Oh no, I’ll be fine. I can see lots of juicy veins here,” she said dismissively.

Now I may not have six years of medical training, but I knew that this was the biggest bullshit lie going because when any chemo nurse sees my arm they sigh and get a bucket of hot water to help bring the veins out. Unfortunately for me, the ‘I know better than you’ SHO had already decided she could do it, but five agonising attempts later she was forced to admit defeat. There was no apology; she simply left the room with a spring in her step and a trail of destruction behind her. The nurse who came in shortly afterwards found a tourniquet on the floor and we later discovered a used needle she’d cast aside on the floor by my bedside.

It was decided I should be moved to the Oncology Ward where my needs would be better met. At what should be my prime of 28 years old I was being wheeled in wheelchair at 11pm at night through dark hospital hallways. Whenever I’m ill I’m reminded of the fragility of my situation. I feel bad because I don’t stick to my food regime, you can’t juice in hospital, and I could hardly get to the loo without collapsing so whatever food you can force down feels like a victory.

I was wheeled onto the ward and was immediately hit with the smell of excrement as we passed one particular room. I was parked next to the reception desk as the porter tried to find a nurse. Looking to my left, my eyes met those of a tall, slim woman in her 40s. Her face was drawn and her hollow eyes red raw with crying; her almost blank expression was haunting. A man came out of the room she was standing outside and gave her a hug.

As Tom and I settled into the new room I warned him how difficult it might be on this ward. This place was a reminder of the evil of cancer; the indignity, the heart-wrenchingly cruel way loved ones are snatched from us. I feared he would see this as he wandered out to get tea or coffee or a paper. I couldn’t get that woman’s face out of my mind. I refuse to believe Tom will have to go through that but still find it hard to breathe when the thought enters my head.

Despite this I try to stay as positive as possible. There have been times over the last few days I’ve asked pointless questions through heaving sobs, “Why is so much shit being thrown at me?” “What did I do to deserve this?” Some days being positive just isn’t an option and it’s not always possible to suppress the self-pity.

I’m 28 and spending New Years Eve in a hospital room overlooking a car park, for fuck’s sake. Admittedly there’s probably some rave happening in Peckham in a car park so maybe that makes me kinda cool, but still. Then I remind myself I’m doing this with the man who laughs in the face of Visiting Hours; the person I love most in the world, and so you talk yourself into remembering the truly important things in life. Some people will have spent this Christmas in hospital with a child who has cancer and others will have spent it on a beautiful Caribbean island happily playing in the sea. That’s just the way it goes.

So my Christmas started off joyful and relaxed, and after Boxing Day it took a bit of a nosedive. I’m still in hospital waiting to be discharged but as it’s a weekend the most senior staff member appears to be the porter and he doesn’t seem that keen on letting me out. As for what the rest of 2012 will bring – well, none of us can predict that, but I hope it’s a bloody great one for you all.

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70 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Mirjam
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 17:52:00

    Ellie, I’m so sorry that you’re spending the festival season in hospital! Cannot believe the rude nurse, pricking you like a pin cushion and not even have the audacity to apologise! She should get an official warning for her behaviour. I do hope you are allowed to leave the hospital soon and I wish you and Tom a happy, lovely but above all healthy 2012. Xxx

    Reply

  2. Alli Tibbatts
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 17:52:08

    Hi Ellie. I am a stage IV breast cancer patient with bone mets. I follow your blog and am with you all the way. I’m a patient at Broomfield Hospital – where are you in Chelmsford?

    Reply

  3. julia knowles
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 17:53:08

    Ellie, i don’t know what to say to you except i feel so sad that you are going through so much when this should be the happiest time of your life. I pray (& i’m not religious) that you will beat this wicked disease & that you and Tom can look forward to a happy future together. You are very much in my thoughts. Keep fighting chick. xx

    Reply

  4. Louise Hulland
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 18:08:38

    Ellie, so sorry to hear about the hospital stay. Keep being strong. You’re amazing and have my total respect and support, albeit virtual. Here’s to 2012. Very best wishes darling xx

    Reply

  5. Kirsty
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 18:10:22

    Thank you Ellie. You are so good at giving us a much needed reality check. Your new years gift to us, to remind us to look at what we have & be grateful and happy. I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this crap at Christmas & although being in hospital is pretty upsetting I’m glad you guys did the right thing & whipped straight to where you can be looked after & kick this sepsis into touch. Sending love & positive thoughts your way. Love Kirsty x

    Reply

  6. Sally King
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 18:20:38

    Praying for you Girl. Thanks for sharing. Hugs, Sally

    Reply

  7. Cate
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 18:23:51

    Hi Ellie,

    I’m sorry you’re in hospital again. I’m sending positive thoughts to you both and just want to wish you a Happy New Year.

    It sounds like the hospital has sent all the proper doctors home and you’ve been lumbered with Ms Arrogant. The last person anyone needs let alone someone with sore arms, and a brain bigger than the one attached to the needle-wielder. You’ll need to plant an elderflower tree to keep the witch from your door!

    Anyway, here’s to you, your health and your nearest and dearest for a better, positive, and happy 2012! Hope they let you out soon. If not, we’ll organise a raid!

    Cate x

    Reply

    • Tina
      Jan 01, 2012 @ 19:08:39

      Hey ellie, so sorry to hear you are in hospital + have had a rotten time :( Really hope you can get home soon + have some quality, well-time before your next round of chemo. I had heard that Erubulin can be tough on bloods + your post will give me the kick up the bum I need to keep checking my temp!
      Much love + best wishes for 2012 Ellie,
      love tina xx
      ps. You look Great in the pics + amazing wigless!

      Reply

  8. Tracie carter
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 19:18:25

    Ellie written to you and followed ur story I think you are in the hospital a few mins from me, my house is at your disposal, anything you need juicing meals driving anwhere please get someone to email me, whatever you need to help you through just ask ….this is just a blip tom wont have to go through anything u are going to beat this no shadow of a doubt x x x tracie carter x

    Reply

  9. Helen
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 19:19:03

    Right, 2012 has started with a pile of s**t, but on the positive side the only way is up! I read your bit about the SHO and my heart sank, she obviously didn’t attend one of my cannulation courses did she? (…seriously, I do teach this). Rule No.1: no more than 2 attempts, then hand over to someone with more experience. Rule No. 2: people on chemo probably know more about their veins than you do, so listen! Thank God for Tom, gotta love your man and his take on visiting!
    What else will 2012 bring for you? I hope it’s bucket loads of love and laughter, by far the most important things in life. And a serious reduction in those beastly C cells would be bloody marvellous!

    Reply

  10. joanna
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 19:20:28

    Hi Ellie. Praying for you and hoping you get to leave the hospital really soon! Sending you lots of love, and positive thoughts. Jo xxx

    Reply

  11. ladyleftfieldlover
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 19:35:56

    Oh Ellie, I’m so sorry to hear about your latest troubles, but, to quote Professor Brian Cox (many years ago) ‘Things can only get better!’ Your nephew looks absolutely gorgeous and I am sure you have many more years being his aunty! I hope you will be out of that hospital soon. Some years ago I broke a bone in my back (fine now) and was whisked off to hospital. My husband, on arrival, fainted – not sure whether it was the grim part of corridor I had been parked in or the thought of me with a broken back.

    Reply

  12. Pam
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 19:41:25

    Hi Ellie, so sorry to hear that you are having a horrible time yet again. Hope you get out of hospital very soon. You continue to be an inspiration, keep fighting. Wishing you a happy and healthy New Year. Pam xxx

    Reply

  13. vikki
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 19:55:09

    Hi Ellie, Thankyou from the bottom of my heart, for that big reality check, (I needed it) I have just been sat for hours crying and feeling very sorry for myself over something that comes nowhere near to what you any many others are going through. You really are an inspiration, hope you get out of that hospital very soon, Iwish you all the best and hope you have an amazing 2012. As a fellow Boro girl I am going to take lead from you and focus on all that is good. Thank again, vikki xx

    Reply

  14. Rachael g
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 20:28:18

    May 2012 be a better year for you too Ellie. You may have had a shitty Christmas and new year in hospital but chin up, hopefully things will get better when you jump this hurdle. I hope you get out of hospital soon and get to spend some quality time with family and friends xxx

    Reply

  15. Louise
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 20:29:08

    Sorry to hear you’re in hospital, neutropenic sepsis sucks!. No nurse or doctor should try & cannulate more than twice so you have the right to refuse especially if they’re hurting you. I hope you find someone more senior than the porter to discharge you soon. Here’s hoping for a happy new year & more advances in breast cancer treatment x x

    Reply

  16. jeannine nye
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 20:47:34

    What a girl this is!!! To write so positively with all the crap she has had to contend with makes me feel very touched and amazed with her strength of spirit… You go girl!!! You’ve beaten their story about Christmas, now we are at the start of a New Year, which I hope will be full of love and caring and a really truly healthy recovery… miracles do happen and so many are praying for you… God Bless and jolly well done for making it so far… you keep on going, you’re a real inspiration!

    Reply

  17. lorly
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 21:07:51

    ellie, i am sending you a massive hug, hope you are feeling better soon, and are out of that hospital asap, wishing you all the good wishes in the world xxxxx

    Reply

  18. Rachel
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 21:12:06

    Dear Ellie,

    I have been looking forward to an update and am sorry that you spent new year’s eve in hospital. Even when you feel weak and depressed, its only human but then you are an extraordinary person, so strong and i pray that God preserves that strength this year. We love you and Tom.

    Reply

  19. Joan Zia
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 21:18:26

    So sorry to know you had a nasty time over Xmas! But your photos were just lovely, elves and all. Loved your caption re the 2 baldy heads of you and baby.
    Yes its really NOT fair, and nobody understands why..
    Remember you are surrounded by LOVE, from so many many people and family.As for your dear fiance – “they don’t make em like that anymore” – Bless him!
    God is looking after you, with so many prayers all around you.Always.
    Lots of love,
    Joan xxx

    Reply

  20. Jane Jackson
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 21:30:07

    Ellie, you don’t know me but I wish you & Tom the very best of love, health & happiness for 2012. You have spirit & determination in spades!! If you were my friend, sister, daughter, auntie, I’d be so proud of you. Good luck, missus. Jane x

    Reply

  21. Anna
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 21:45:28

    Having spent Christmas and new year visiting my 35 year old husband with cancer I can only empathise with the shitness of it all. It’s horrible. Two years later, last night, we celebrated cuddled up on the sofa with a bottle of champagne and happy thoughts for 2012.

    It can seem like the darkest of days in those wards, witnessing other peoples sadness and the NHS. But next year it will seem like a bad dream.

    Hope you are out very soon, always thinking of you x

    Reply

  22. Chloe Greene
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 21:46:43

    You blog posts always stop me in my tracks Ellie and make me realise what life is really about.
    Sorry for the language but that Senior House Officer was an uncaring bitch!
    Next time this happens you give it to her with two shotguns like you did that bloke on the tube who tried to invade your space.
    You are a warrior woman Ellie and you have my love and my respect.
    And your Tom is a special man.
    Let us know when you are out of the hospital.
    Chloe x

    Reply

  23. Prue
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 22:19:38

    Hey Ellie, wishing you a Tom a Happy New Year !!!! Get yourself out of that hospital ASAP… Enjoy the beginning of an exciting 2012. Fond love, Prue xxx

    Reply

  24. Jan
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 22:22:18

    Hello lovely girl,

    Just read your blog, and like other bloggers I just wanted to thank you for your reality check to us, especially at this time of year, when we are drowning in general over indulgence. I just know your sense of humour is a great asset and will get you through these difficult times , that , and the love of a good man, [wonderful Tom] All us bloggers are with you on this journey, praying for you , and willing you to come out the other end strong and well . We are an invisible force that wraps around you and I do so hope it helps.
    Happy New Year to you and all of your family, and hope you escape hospital very soon!!

    Reply

  25. Paula Collyer
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 22:24:26

    Hi Ellie, just sitting here on New Years Day and was thinking of you and logged on to see how your Christmas has been. Sorry to hear you’ve ended up back in hospital and sending lots of love and positive thoughts for a speedy discharge!.. You are truly inspirational and a big reality check, always in my thoughts. Wishing you a happy, healthy 2012. Paula X

    Reply

  26. Elisa
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 22:35:59

    Last Xmas as a single lady…did you think about that?!!!!
    AND you look stunning in the pictures…how on earth do you do it?????

    Healthy New Year, winner!

    Elisa

    Reply

  27. Briony
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 23:13:48

    Whoooo, you can say you get married this year now, not ‘next year’! This time next year you’ll be happy married, and smug in the knowledge that (as evidenced above) doctors don’t always know everything- you can do it. Allow yourself to believe, we’re all rooting for you x

    Reply

  28. Karen
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 23:19:35

    Dear Ellie
    You really do not deserve to be in that hospital right now and you cerainly do not deserve that awful woman using you as a pin cushion!! I’ve been taking blood for 9 years now and I am never matter-of-fact about finding a vein and if I cannot feel a vein to my satisfaction I always call someone in for a second opinion. Of course we know hospitals are short staffed but there is absolutely no excuse for such blatant disregard – and as for leaving a needle on the floor!! Well, I just do not know what to think about that. All I can say is that she lost the perfect opportunity to meet you and to spend a little ‘kind’ time with you, such a lovely spirited person, oh well, her loss…..
    Please stay well, and I am not particularly religious but I thank God for your lovely Tom.
    Karen xxx
    Just LOVE all your pics

    Reply

  29. Zoe Springbett
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 23:40:57

    Hello Ellie,

    I adore that photo of you and Gio. I think you look stunning without the wig. New Years Eve is so overrated so don’t allow the huge hype of it to get you down. I had a rubbish one too, but said to myself it didn’t matter as I’d had a really fun ‘impromtu” night earlier in the week, so I’ve told myself that THAT was my NYE. How about you and Tom and sone friends have your NYE in a few weeks? It’s doesn’t matter when you have it really as long as it’s early Jan?!

    I hope you managed to enjoy Christmas when you could. I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch for a while and didn’t wish you a happy Christmas before.

    Sending you lots and lots of love and loads of fuel for the magnificent fire of fight you have. Xxxxxx

    Reply

  30. Zoe Springbett
    Jan 01, 2012 @ 23:44:42

    Ps sorry for the incorrect spelling of impromptu- I HATE bad spelling! It was a mistake as was “sone” instead of some xxx

    Reply

  31. Frances Russon
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 00:11:04

    Thank you so much for blogging at such a difficult time. Your photos are gorgeous and your eyes look wonderful with your new eyebrows and lashes. I hope you are home and that January will improve for you day by day. Frances (Tasmania)

    Reply

  32. barbara
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 00:16:07

    Heres to a fatastic 2012 for you Ellie, looking forward to reading all about your spectacular wedding later in the year.
    I only started reading your blog just before Christmas and you truly are an inspiration. Im a 52 year old who has recently finished treatment for grade 3 stage 3 breast cancer and am lucky enough to be able to say I have beaten it (so far, fingers and toes crossed) You so often put my feelings into words, and I feel so full of hope for you, I know your positive attitude will help you beat the evil little bastard. I have 2 daughters your age and cannot imagine them going through what you are so bravely facing. Your parents must be so proud of you. Wishing you lots of love and positive energy (I dont believe in ‘god’ either),
    Barbara

    PS you are sooo right about the ‘moon face’ being bald doesnt suit me either, and I have not been able to resort to conventional makeup very much as I have had very irritated eyes – if I were to ever need chemo again I had already made up my mind to get permanent makeup done first! Yours looks lovely!

    Reply

  33. nelly oneill
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 00:56:18

    Happy new year to you and mr tom, just get the feck out of there, and enjoy the new year. And don’t let them hurt you with the needles, ask if you can have a port.
    My vain s were rubbish. Take no crap from anyone in hospital… most people are really good to you in hospital, but it’s your life your body and the only person who really know that well is you.take care
    l wish you well. god bless

    Reply

  34. Michelle Dyer
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 02:01:27

    Ellie,
    I hope 2012 brings a cure for this dreadful disease. I lost my mum in 2008 following a six week illness. We didn’t know her back pain and tiredness were anything so serious and even after dad sent me a message and said she been admitted to hospital I didn’t know the severity. I travelled the 3.5hrs to see her the next day to find she had a pulmonary embolism and was in intensive care. It wasn’t until a week or two later we found out she had bowel cancer and secondary liver cancer.
    Devastated doesn’t begin to explain the emotions – 55yrs old and just recently qualified as a podiatrist with ambitions of setting up business. God life can deal some cruel blows for sure. Needless to say following being sent home and ending up back in hospital within the space of six weeks my mum lost her fight for life, I was truly devastated. The saddest part was visiting at the hospital and not knowing what to talk about those last few days – we hadnt expected the call that morning from the doctor saying can you get to the hospital as soon as possible. I truly hope one day they find a cure Ellie and I hope you win your battle – stay strong my darling and think positive. I hope Xmas 2012 will be your best Xmas ever.
    Keep up the fight xxx

    Reply

  35. Gary
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 03:19:55

    What an amazing person you are Ellie. Happy new year and many more to come. Thinking of you every day Gary X

    Reply

  36. Deb
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 06:39:31

    Ellie, not a great way to start out the new year, but hey, maybe getting all the crap out of the way now will mean happier months ahead. I am sure that this is just a blip and I hope that you and your man will able to celebrate your own NYE when you get to leave the hospital. Just to reiterate what everyone else has said, you look really beautiful with the wigs and without and I mean that sincerely. You look better bald than I look with a full head of hair!
    Sending positive thoughts your way.

    Reply

  37. Norma A Perez
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 08:36:12

    I’ve been a nurse for 15yrs so I’ve started quite a few ivs throughout the years. Once the patient tells you “I’m a hard stick” a compasionate nurse will get the anesthesiologist to start that iv. In fact as a patient for future hospitalizations, you have the right to request for anesthesia to come and start your iv and refuse if a nurse wants to do it. There is no excuse for what this nurse did to you. Wishing you a healthy 2012. My prayers are with you.

    Reply

  38. Julie Fraser
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 10:03:40

    Ellie, you are simply amazing…….. a true inspiration. Your strength and spirit shine through in every message.
    I have experienced the ‘all to common’ family disagreement this year and was feeling very sorry for myself until reading your blog. You reminded me what’s important in life, thank you.
    I wish you and Tom a wickedly abundant New Year with lots of special and positive things.
    Love Julie

    Reply

  39. Adrienne Ross
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 10:09:04

    We wish you and Tom all the best for 2012. Please God (or whoever) it will be a better one for you both. You are an incredible pair and we are thinkng of you. XX

    Reply

  40. Ros
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 10:30:12

    Everytime I read your blog I feel prompted to write but can never find the words. All I really want to say is keep fighting, be strong and that you are in my thoughts. You are an inspiration.

    Reply

  41. Elizabeth
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 10:31:15

    Happy New Year to you Ellie. Such a rubbish start definitely means things can only get better! I am totally humbled by your courage and positivity. Your beauty continues to shine through. You are a true inspiration. xx

    Reply

  42. Ben Virgo
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 10:43:15

    Good-luck and thanks for giving those with Cancer a voice. Also, remember that many have proven doctors wrong, through strong will and bloody-mindedness. All the very best for 2012 and here’s to things going up from here.

    Reply

  43. Phyllis Elias
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 11:35:51

    At least, your wonderful Tom is surrounding you with all the love in the world, as are all us strangers who, whilst not knowing you personally, are fighting alongside you every step of the way. I so hope that things improve and you are able to resume ‘Service as normal’ as soon as possible. With all the love in the world. Phyllis

    Reply

  44. Linda Ann McCrea
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 12:01:39

    Dear Ellie,
    I join everyone on this blog in wishing you a very Blessed and totally healthy year in 2012.
    I emphatically believe all the naughty cancer invaders have been truly zapped thru` medication, meditation &Prayer.
    Re hospitalisation :-Just so sad that an SHO can be so overconfident, and downright careless.
    At least majority of registered nurses know their Clinical limitations which is honorable as it is in our CODE OF CONDUCT.This Doctor needs to be reminded of hers!
    Also most distressing that oncology wards are often outwardly grim and no where close to being aesthically pleasing.
    I really hope your low cell count is only a very temporary blip .So great you and Tom went to A&E as the sepsis was targeted before it could harm your organs.A great warrior and fighter you are. It is a privilege to enter your world thru` this fabulous blog .
    I hope you do feel (as Jan says) wrapped around(like a snuggly blanket ) with our love. Much love hugs &prayers Linda :Belfast

    Reply

  45. Elizabeth
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 12:19:15

    Happy New Year Ellie! After such a rubbish start things can most definitely only get better!
    Your courage and positivity is truly inspirational and your beauty continues to shine through. What an amazing woman you are.
    Love to you and yours. xxx

    Reply

  46. DEBORAH MORGAN-SMITH...........Surrey
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 12:48:55

    Ellie, my heart sank as I read the opening words of your latest blog.I have been thinking about you over the festive period and was imagining you in the thick of family revelry. So I let out a big,” Oh No!” as it became clear that you were in hospital,and not in the best of them it appears!Before my personal experience of cancer I had a misguided image of all victims of this horrendous disease being cared for within the hospital system with nothing other than compassion,kindness, and a sense of ” pull out ALL the stops” urgency.Ha ha,what over sentimental, romantic films had I been watching?!! In some quarters there’s become an obvious desensitisation which can break your spirit at a time when it needs uplifting the most. That thought was my over-riding one as I read about your present hospitalisation.I pray that you get out of that place asap,back home to your familiar surroundings with the people who love you so much.I often wonder if we would feel less pressured if there were no New Years, just an ever rolling day on day, forever.A change of year can be bliss to some-one who has the world at their feet and everything to look forward to. But to many, it raises an expectency that something significant needs to happen, or end, or improve, or…or…or.. I think I’ll invent a new calendar system for those who don’t want the burden of a New Year!
    Dear Ellie, after every blog you must feel an upsurge of energy from the readers who are with you every step of the way on your journey, willing you to recover.I’m sure that every thought, prayer, and comment from a supporter is doing ten times the good that the chemo is.
    God Bless you,Tom,and your family and friends XXXX

    Reply

  47. Sharon Perry
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 13:11:11

    Hi Ellie, here’s wishing you and Tom lots of love and hugs for 2012. You are a beautiful person inside and out and you deserve a break and this will be the year!
    And maybe one day you’ll get to stick needles relentlessly into that SHO!!!
    Much love to you both
    Sharon
    xxx

    Reply

  48. Frances Pringle (@FrancesPringle)
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 13:29:18

    Hi Ellie,

    I also discovered how shitty it was to be in hospital over the holidays; on Christmas Eve I was rushed to A&E with an infected c-section wound and not discharged till boxind day afternoon. As I sat eating my Christmas dinner on a hospital bed with one lonely cracker and no one to pull it with (baby Leo hadn’t mastered hand eye co-oridantion yet) I felt very sorry for myself. But someone close reminded me of your blog and told me that the 25th of December was just another day, I don’t know what it is like to be on a cancer ward, but I understand how horrible it is being in there when you long to be somewhere else, but you can celebrate your New Year whenever you want. Get better, stay strong and celebrate the years you have had when you get out x x x x
    Fran x

    Reply

  49. Ann
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 13:59:25

    Dear Ellie, I absolutely hate New Year – I cannot stand being with all the mad people smiling and kissing, cuddling or fighting. I would prefer people to treat each other kind every single day as no one knows what kind of road we are walking so we should smile, wish eachother good day. I sincerely wish you all the very best life may be able to offer you, so far you seem to be surrounded by such love which is a real gift as some people go through their while lives not having love around them. Miracles do happen Ellie and I hope one happens for you. In the meantime drink the love you are surrounded by and focus on you/them – the smells and faces of other cancer sufferers cannot help you – you need bucket loads of love and care not smells/bad vibes. God bless you Ellie, I wish you a miracle and loads more days/love/even laughter. Love to you, ANN (nutcracker)

    Reply

  50. Heygimmeabreak
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 14:56:49

    You are just amazing. I came to read your post as soon as I found the notice (as usual) and (as usual) I find here words and thoughts that help me think in a better way. You wise woman.. You energetic soul… The best of the wishes for the new year. Looking forward for your wedding in June.
    Anna

    Reply

  51. Dave Hollingdale
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 15:07:43

    Hi Young Ellie amazing blogging my friend. Positivity from yourself and Tom oozes through. Its a funny thing about hospitals I have a friend who is very ill and there are some thoughtless cretins at times who weild the needle. You Ellie will continue to battle on cos its the only way you know and Tom at your side. Enjoy 2012 my friend .,Take Care Dave

    Reply

  52. Melanie Richardson
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 16:51:02

    How can a Big Baldy still look so damn gorgeous? Must be something within.

    Reply

  53. Melanie
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 17:44:45

    Ellie,
    thanks for continuing to write and share in the face of everything around you. The visual of that awful nurse attacking your poor, tired, veins was won’t quite leave my minds eye.
    There is something everyone can take from your courage, and I hope you know how many people appreciate you writing this.
    our thoughts are with you – thanks
    Melanie.

    Reply

    • Helen
      Jan 02, 2012 @ 21:29:23

      Erm…it wasn’t a nurse, a Senior House Officer is a Doctor. Please can everyone stop saying this, it’s giving us compassionate nurses a bad name, and it wasn’t us!!

      Reply

  54. Rebecca
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 18:02:08

    Hi Ellie – I haven’t commented in a while, but have been following your journey. I am sorry to hear of the most recent turn of events. I am praying for you and yours. I wish you nothing but the best and improved health for 2012 x x x

    Reply

  55. andrew newton
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 18:58:00

    and hope it’s a good 2012 us all, you included ellie. i have so many good things but so many bad things, all at the same time!

    Reply

  56. Lesley Beeton
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 19:30:39

    Oh, Ellie. So sorry about your hospital experience. There are some amazing oncology people (as you know), some junior staff just let the side down (I speak from some considerable experience of this).
    Courage, love and strength!
    Lesley x.

    Reply

  57. Jennieflorist
    Jan 02, 2012 @ 20:22:47

    Hi Ellie,

    So sorry to hear you spent New Year “Locked Up”….. My husband and I love Xmas & New Year,but there is this horrible pressure to enjoy yourself no matter what is gong on around you… I think you can enjoy a spontaneous moment, what ever shape or form it comes in, a particular night on a holiday, or a (rare)…balmy summers evening here in the Uk, when u didn’t expect it or see it coming?! Sod New Year, sod Christmas! I wish you and Tom plenty of fun filled, spontaneous moments in 2012.xxxx

    Reply

  58. Ned
    Jan 03, 2012 @ 01:08:16

    I wish you well my love… I really do. Your words Inspire me. 28 years old at this moment and you are doing so much, helping so many people with your words. Happy 2012 babe…let us all know how the wedding plans are going.

    Reply

  59. Mags Taylor
    Jan 03, 2012 @ 13:06:56

    Keep fighting Ellie! My prayers and thoughts are with you and yours.

    Reply

  60. Laura Sl
    Jan 04, 2012 @ 14:38:47

    Hi Ellie,
    Sorry you had such a rubbish New Year. Hoping and praying you feel much better soon. Here’s to a happy and healthy 2012. Your New Year’s Eve this year will be so much better!

    Reply

  61. Marianna
    Jan 04, 2012 @ 16:54:51

    Ellie, that was such a searingly honest piece of writing….if only we all realised that it is ok not to always be humming ” Always look on the bright side of life” under our breath.
    I wish you, Tom and all your family a great New Year – get home very soon.x

    Reply

  62. ellie
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 00:02:58

    wow you look beautiful. I love your eyebrows and eyeliner and remember girl you are a winner you got this thing licked. I know it can be rough in the hospital people are really cruel and in the cancer ward it is heartbreaking but that is life. and you are life. so you will stay positive and smile that beautiful smile of yours Happy Holidays sweetie.

    Reply

  63. Julian
    Jan 05, 2012 @ 16:59:55

    Happy New Year to you, and may 2012 be better than 2011.

    I can sympathize with your pin-cushion experience. In a recent stay in HDU in a hospital (not for cancer treatment) doctors needed an arterial blood sample. In the end 5 doctors tried and failed to find an artery in my wrist (including one who claimed that as an anaesthetist he was much better at doing this than the previous 4 doctors) – and only the sixth one succeeded. I had the pin pricks in both wrists for weeks afterwards!

    Stay strong, and I’m sure that you will be writing a new year post for 2013 as a happily married woman.

    Reply

  64. Nicky
    Jan 06, 2012 @ 06:03:47

    Hi Ellie,
    Happy 2012 …..oh and happy 2013 as well. At the end of this year you will truly have proved to all that you are in control of your body and not some shitty little cells who don’t know how to behave. I had run-ins with BC at 33 and 36 – now I’m 45. I like you was living the good life in London – did it change me?? I’m now in rural Oregon married to the wonderful man who went through the crap with me and we even have 2 children. You are so right to do alternative therapies alongside conventional medicine, they do help and the process of taking control and being proactive is incredibly powerful. 2012 will be your year.
    Best Wishes
    Nicky

    Reply

  65. Amanda Power
    Jan 09, 2012 @ 22:03:08

    Hey Ellie – all I wanted to say was that your eyebrows look ruddy amazing! If I ever loose mine again I will be contacting you for a reference.
    Keep strong, you are being held onto by a network of survivors worldwide, enjoy the ride you amazing girl.
    Here’s to never looking back,
    With love
    Amanda – cape town

    Reply

  66. Amanda Power
    Jan 09, 2012 @ 22:04:50

    Ps: still so proud of you

    Reply

  67. YankeeJess
    Jan 16, 2012 @ 08:16:44

    I am always thinking of you, even though we’ve never met. I want you to know that.

    Reply

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